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St John’s Chambers

After the horror of last week’s defeat the team were raring to get into winning ways and remarkably the majority of an 11 was quickly put together, just 1 ringer this week, and after a miserable bank holiday weekend of rain and hail astonishingly the sun was shining brightly in Bristol for this fixture (in contrast to last year when it was raining and pitch black).

The toss was lost for the second time this season but astonishingly St John’s put us into bat.

After the fireworks of last week it was decided to keep Earl in reserve and so Ringer A and the Chairman opened the batting. The Chairman did not trouble the scorers spooning up an easy catch off a 5 year old bowler. Ringer A and Earl then showed how easy batting was both retiring without being troubled by the bowling, Earl hammering a pair of 6s.

Thomas and Ringer B batted sensibly in the middle overs scampering the quick singles before both falling bringing Webb and McEvoy to the middle. Some quick running from McEvoy quickly had Webb calling for the oxygen (and much to the Chairman’s amusement (who was umpiring at the time) failing to run his bat in leading to a call of one short) and suitably fortified he cracked a fine 6 and pushed the run rate along before they retired almost simultaneously to give Shore and Halden a bat. Shore ran out Halden to bring in Ringer C just before the end and the innings closed on 145.

A decent score, probably a little over par, but slightly disappointing in light of the start made.

Thomas and Webb opened the bowling and despite Thomas starting with a wicket maiden got a little bit carted by the other opener and their skipper batting at 3. By the 5th over Webb was really struggling and bowled a delivery he will chose to forget that went backwards and knocked off the non-striker’s bails. Earl appealed and with the batsman well out of his ground he started walking. Fortunately common decency prevailed and the Chairman withdrew the appeal.

The reprieved batsman then crashed Webb back over his head for 6 but was cleaned up the next ball going for the same stroke.

Earl and Ringer B then took over the bowling and bowled some tight stuff although St John’s skipper was giving it some tap before he retired. With him out of the way the soft underbelly of their batting was exposed and with the Chairman standing up the appealing started to get a little aggressive. 5 appeals for stumpings quickly followed although only 2 were given (the most unlikely being the decision of the father of the 5 year old (above) to give his son out) despite the Chairman insisting they were all solid shouts. Indeed Earl has received a telephone call from the groundsman complaining about the damage done to the stumps by the rather indelicate attempts at stumpings.

Meanwhile Webb, Earl and McEvoy were all holding catches and Ringer C hitting the stumps for a run out. Earl also snuck one through bowled.

The Chairman claimed a fine stumping off a wide from the bowling of Ringer C which brought their dangerous skipper back to the fray but he fell quickly as Ringer B pulled a fine catch at leg gully off the bowling of Ringer C to close the innings on 93 and a surprisingly easy win.

Man of the Match has to be Earl again, how tedious.

Cricket Report

Cameron McKenna

With the new season dawning and the squad clearly invigorated as a result of the fresh blood in the management (the Chairman of Selectors being joined this year by Earl as Viscount of Fixtures and Dropper as on field Skipper) it was clear that there could be no difficulties getting a team out for the season opener against our old foes Cameron McKenna.

Well one would have thought that would be the case but as usual the apathy of CW shone through and only 7 people could be bothered to turn out. Fortunately in light of similar shameful performances over the last 2 seasons the Chairman now has a healthy group of ringers to call upon and 3 of them answered the call to arms this time round.

The weather was set fair which ordinarily would be a blessing but when playing at The Downs School is far from as the pitch is sensibly aligned East-West to ensure batting late on is a nightmare.

The Chairman set the season off to a cracking start therefore by losing the toss and Camerons leapt at the chance to get runs on the board. So unexcited was he at the prospect that he asked Earl to skipper the side on the field. To ensure the game could be squeezed in it was agreed to play 16 8 ball overs. Webb was not happy.
Burton and Webb opened the bowling and fortunately their ever dangerous opener (often reported by us as Ringer A when he plays for CW) was whipped out rather cheaply. Indeed Burton followed up this snorter with another beauty to whip out the other opener first ball leaving them 4 for 2.

After that however the bowlers really struggled with the steep slope running across the ground and Camerons got some serious luck. Well most of their luck was having the Chairman keeping wicket (18 byes).

Burton did manage to snaffle a third wicket at the tail of his spell but Webb had to be pulled off by Earl as an act of kindness after two overs.

Ringer A bowled first change and frankly got carted whilst Earl wheeled away at the other end and bought four wickets. By some miracle Ringer A snaffled a wicket at the start of his third over thanks to a brilliant catch by Ringer B (who owed us one after dropping a sitter) and somehow managed to snare a wicket maiden.

Ringer C claimed he was not really a bowler but bowled a very tidy (and fast) spell and meanwhile Webb was brought back and picked up a wicket. Finally their innings was wrapped up when the Chairman claimed a stumping off the bowling of Ringer B, this might have been more impressive if he had not dropped 3 and missed a stumping and let’s not forget the wides.

A target of 136 was going to be a stretch but probably achievable.

Certainly Camerons thought they were in trouble when Earl cracked the first, fourth, eleventh and thirteenth deliveries for 6 before retiring. Now the Chairman is used to his opening partner retiring but this is the first time it has happened without him scoring. With Earl retired (and gone – he had some ridiculous excuse about having to go and see his godfather, although granted his godfather is an Australian and was only in town for one day) the run rate plummeted and the Chairman could only look on in dismay as Wright, Ringer B, Webb, Thomas and Ringer A all perished cheaply. He meanwhile was grinding out the runs before falling plumb LBW (he nearly walked) for 6 out of a total, at the time, of 63 which is pretty slow going even by his standards.

Sadly neither Ringer C nor Simmons could stop the rot and Burton ended up stranded.
A comprehensive defeat by 62 runs. Not a great start to the season. Fortunately the next game is on Tuesday so they can get back into the saddle quickly.

Man of the Match has to go to Earl whilst Camerons would probably name the Chairman as their best player.



(Note the number of overs has been converted to ensure the averages remain true to 6 ball overs)

Balance requires us to print the other side's match report

A new season, a new start. Where reputations will be won and reputations will be lost. Where, for the trainees, one will emerge victorious from a extravagant wager whilst the others will emerge shame faced in defeat. Where, each match, the duck-egg blues will be proudly worn by a team member, elected by his peers, for their outstanding contribution in the previous game.

The result:

Camerons: 135 all out

Clarke Wilmott: 65 all out

The match:

Camerons elected to bat first. The small boundary meant that a good score needed to be posted. The usually reliable Joe was an early departure and Geoff H quickly followed. Geoff P clubbed a couple of impressive boundaries, before being bowled around his legs. The shame. Things were looking ominous. I'm not sure quite what happen next as Jon and I were seizing up each other's bowling in the nets, but I am assured that, thanks to Tristan Chris and Max, the middle order put in some stiff resistance and the 100 was reached with relative ease. After Max departed, wickets again began to tumble. Pete, Dominic and Simon all played some encouraging shots before succumbing to some good deliveries. Jon hit a couple of lofty strokes before his over exuberance led him to be stumped. Camerons were all out, leaving Ben stranded on a well fought 19 not out.

The Clarke Wilmott innings was a bit like me on a night out - started well, but faded fast. Their opening batsman, clearly in a rush after a curry lunch, hit a rapid 27 off the first two overs. Not a good start. A shell shocked Simon then pulled things together with a couple of wickets, backed up by a wicket from his wing-man Pete. That was more like it. Jon was then brought into the attack. A wild first over, which brought back memories of the bodyline series downunder, was followed by a wicket in his second. Geoff P's fiery bowling saw off another batsman, but only after he had tickled him in the ribs with a brutal bouncer. In the meantime, Dominic, thanks to a rather generous interpretation of the wide rule, managed to keep his first over down to a mere 11 balls. Ben's two overs were typically solid - two wickets for only a couple of runs. The opposition were on the ropes and there for the taking. Dominic obliged and, in the fading light, Camerons emerged victorious.

The fame spreads

As previously reported this little project of ours at Bogun Towers is receiving considerable interest and, dare we say it, generating no little excitement in the PR/marketing world. It appears that in the new media world the views of the blithering idiot who is the subject of our regular missives are considered important. Exactly what sort of world we find ourselves in if his views are important is a disturbing one. We always thought that the various, ahem, incidents had ruled him out of politics and it would be most troubling if he were to acquire any influence by some backdoor.

That said of course it remains our job to faithfully report the news and most recently he travelled up to London to meet with two chaps who are running the Boguniverse project as they are calling it. In a horribly circular way we feel obliged to make them part of the story and can report that they are both splendid fellows (although Jamie really could do with a good razor) although clearly barking mad as they want to meet him again.

Having met them and convinced them of his messianic status and subverted them to his will (and chucked down three pints of Adnams – fine beer but frankly hangover juice) he hopped, skipped and jumped his way over to Hampstead to meet up with Christine, her bloke, Bad Nigel, TEM, Glenn and some random girls.

One of these random girls had clearly spent rather too much of her life sniffing Columbia’s finest up her nose before engaging in some ill advised plastic surgery and found herself in the rather unenviable position of opposite our subject. How much bad luck can one girl have?

Meanwhile he was chatting to the very lovely girl sitting next to him who, it turned out, was a singer and a very pretty one at that. Apparently she is quite famous but cultural leader that he is he had no idea who she was. For our reader’s delectation we print her photo below.

Whilst enjoying her company he foolishly was suckered in by the waiter’s sales pitch for the filthy stuff they brewed on site. Having had a little taste of the foulest home brew known to man we can well understand how the hangover the next day was as bad as he made out although we rather suspect he was making a song and dance of it.

Even More Fame

Well our fame spreads further and following the discussion of us at the conference (passim) we are now a fully blown research project. We at Bogun towers are very excited about all the fuss (and all the smoke being blown up our ass in flattery). Your correspondent has agreed to meet with the research team next week. Who knows where this may lead. At last fame (or at least notoriety).

Decade of (vain)Glory

Well no-one really thought the day would come but by some miracle he has survived at his current employers for some 10 years. In light of his previous work history (invariably being offered the opportunity to resign before being fired within 6 months) this is quite some achievement.

To mark this event he invited a few work chums out for drinks to All Bar One in Birmingham. Now as one would expect as he has got older he has matured and no longer feels the need to drink himself into a stupor. Of course expectations were duly dashed. He had to be carried home by the long-suffering, but still lovely, Dennis.

Indeed so bad was he that, come the next morning, he still could not walk in a straight line and could only get around by leaning on a wall. As luck would have it the long-suffering, but still lovely, Dennis had arranged to meet up with a few chums from work (James, Harlot, Vorders, Nails etc.) for a Leo Sayer (it being the Bank Holiday weekend) and so he was quickly able to recover his faculties through the rejuvenative powers of strong cider.

As penance for his performance on the Friday night the long-suffering, but still lovely, Dennis sought to persuade him to drive her to Manchester on the Sunday so she could see her grandparents. He was clearly feeling very guilty as remarkably he agreed to travel to the land of the Northern Monkey.

Having survived the weekend the week following proved to be a real challenge. Tuesday night was billed as a curry and a pint with Chappers and Sedgers but turned into a curry and a gallon and matters were not helped by having to get to Brum for 0700 Wednesday morning for a breakfast networking session. As our readers will be able to imagine he was not at his best for that.

Wednesday was the Bristol leg of the 10 year celebrations and whilst not as bad as the Birmingham end were quite hard work. What he really needed was Thursday night off not the invitation first thing in the morning to attend a dinner as a guest of some accountants to be regaled by Gareth Chilcott about his underhand tactics on the rugby field (a subject close to our hero’s heart despite his tragic retirement from the game).

Of course a quiet weekend was in order and equally undelivered. A trip on the Thames, followed by a skinful with his mother, her brother (Dick) and his wife (Lindsey) before Evie’s christening (passim). His mumbling through the appropriate moments was impressive and really rather obvious and after the service he and Vanessa (another godparent (although of the godmother persuasion) and similarly devoid of the appropriate qualifications – she is jewish) huddled inside the church awaiting the lightning bolts as they left, fortunately it would appear he is right and there is no god in light of the lack of smiting.