Since first light broke they have been scanning the sea for signs of any fins and so far none spotted. To make sure, once he has finished his tea, he is heading into the water to check matters out.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Chapter 72 - Dawn Patrol
Their night of terror is at last over and spirits on board are greatly improved. Fortunately Sir Ranulph was unfazed by the sharks and kept his cool and having calmly despatched Gordon in a game of chess went to bed where he deployed his prototype shark scaring device which makes the noise of killing a donkey with a petrol chainsaw or in other words his snore with a bit of a cold.
Since first light broke they have been scanning the sea for signs of any fins and so far none spotted. To make sure, once he has finished his tea, he is heading into the water to check matters out.
Since first light broke they have been scanning the sea for signs of any fins and so far none spotted. To make sure, once he has finished his tea, he is heading into the water to check matters out.
Chapter 71 - Jaws
By now our hero has firmly established his favourite sailing position - sitting right up on the bowspit with his feet dangling over the sea.
As we headed out into the ocean away from the shelter of the islands he discovered quite how invigorating this spot could be as the Kiana struggled up and plunged down the mountaneous cyclone fuelled waves she plunged her bow (and him) into the waves before throwing him 20' up into the air. He just laughed like a maniac.
This evening the crew's post-prandial relaxation has been shattered by the arrival of 6 large sharks circling the vessel and threatening to capsize her, we can but hope that we survive the night...
As we headed out into the ocean away from the shelter of the islands he discovered quite how invigorating this spot could be as the Kiana struggled up and plunged down the mountaneous cyclone fuelled waves she plunged her bow (and him) into the waves before throwing him 20' up into the air. He just laughed like a maniac.
This evening the crew's post-prandial relaxation has been shattered by the arrival of 6 large sharks circling the vessel and threatening to capsize her, we can but hope that we survive the night...
Chapter 70 - Dive, Dive, Dive
Awakening this morning Gimli declared himself keen for a shower and so led the team ashore to Hook Island to locate a waterfall. After a calf-burning trek and climb up a cliff he duly located one and clambered in for an invigorating ablution.
Once clean they returned to the ship and set sail around the island to a nice spot for lunch called appropriately Luncheon Bay.
After a hearty repast he went for his first ever dive. Now many of you will know that fat is particularl buoyant and it was only after an extensive search of their vessel that sufficent weight was located to pull him down.
A quick 15 minute dive followed to 6 metres and he has declared himself a big fan.
Now that the ballast has been returned to the keel we stand ready to weigh anchor and continue south.
Once clean they returned to the ship and set sail around the island to a nice spot for lunch called appropriately Luncheon Bay.
After a hearty repast he went for his first ever dive. Now many of you will know that fat is particularl buoyant and it was only after an extensive search of their vessel that sufficent weight was located to pull him down.
A quick 15 minute dive followed to 6 metres and he has declared himself a big fan.
Now that the ballast has been returned to the keel we stand ready to weigh anchor and continue south.
Chapter 69 - We are Sailing
Our readers will recall the gentle disruption caused to our subjects' trip to Fraser Island by Cyclone Larry and be glad to know that before it has cleared off its friend Cyclone Wati has come to town.
Obviously they have therefore headed off on a 54' ketch into the Whitsundays and the heart of cyclone alley.
Their grand ship is called the Kiana and so far she has served them very well.
Considering the weather within 100 miles of here by some miracle the blue skies and sun have come out to play and they have taken full advantage and now look like lobsters.
Whilst passing Whitsunday Island itself they felt obliged to make landfall and having done so trekked through the jungle to locate Whitehaven beach.
Whilst treking they located a nest of green tree ants and had an impromptu snack of them, so far no ill effects.
As we compose this at 2200 he is sitting on the bowspit enjoying a VB and the stars.
He says this place is perfect.
Obviously they have therefore headed off on a 54' ketch into the Whitsundays and the heart of cyclone alley.
Their grand ship is called the Kiana and so far she has served them very well.
Considering the weather within 100 miles of here by some miracle the blue skies and sun have come out to play and they have taken full advantage and now look like lobsters.
Whilst passing Whitsunday Island itself they felt obliged to make landfall and having done so trekked through the jungle to locate Whitehaven beach.
Whilst treking they located a nest of green tree ants and had an impromptu snack of them, so far no ill effects.
As we compose this at 2200 he is sitting on the bowspit enjoying a VB and the stars.
He says this place is perfect.
Chapter 68 - City Slickers
On their way North again the boys decided to stop off at Kroombit Cattle Statiopn to share their extensive husbandry skills with the natives.
After helping them round up the goats on horseback (them not the goats) Hoots and Gimli dove into the branding ring and began wrestling goats to the floor in readiness for branding.
After these exertions Hoots had to retire to his bed (to where Gimli felt obliged to deliver his supper to later) but unfortunately his Imp of the Perverse did not and was to team up with Gimli's later (as we shall see).
After a camp-fire supper attention turned to the bull rodeo. Sir Ranuplh went up second and coincidentally lasted just two bucks, although this was sufficient time to leave him with badly bruised balls.
Sundance (the new name for Silent Bob) produced a storming performance and hung on for the longest time by far however as he clambered off he was somewhat grey. However the real performance of the night was from the driver who somehow managed to surf on the bull's back.
Of course the natural way to recover from such a bollock bashing is to have a game of "Beer Cartoon Limbo". For those of you unaware of this genius of a game it involves picking up a beer cartoon with your teeth whilst only your feet are touching the ground then tearing a portion off and passing the cartoon on to your neighbour for their turn.
Clearly it requires a high level of flexibility. Despite his natural deficiencies in thie area he fought through the early rounds through the simple medium of tearing his groin and gritting through the pain. Eventually however the cartoon got too low and he dropped out.
However that was the moment that the two Imps chose to strike and he began to hand out "motivational" bon mots to all and sundry. Well not quite all and sundry as he just stood behind Tamara (a Swiss dancer) as she bent over and did the splits and enjoyed the view.
"Dirty Pig" and "Dirty Old Man" are the politest descriptions she applied to him although she appears to have forgiven him this morning astonishingly.
In possession news he has torn his green "My Little Unicorn" trousers, his repair is less than invisible but seems to be holding.
After helping them round up the goats on horseback (them not the goats) Hoots and Gimli dove into the branding ring and began wrestling goats to the floor in readiness for branding.
After these exertions Hoots had to retire to his bed (to where Gimli felt obliged to deliver his supper to later) but unfortunately his Imp of the Perverse did not and was to team up with Gimli's later (as we shall see).
After a camp-fire supper attention turned to the bull rodeo. Sir Ranuplh went up second and coincidentally lasted just two bucks, although this was sufficient time to leave him with badly bruised balls.
Sundance (the new name for Silent Bob) produced a storming performance and hung on for the longest time by far however as he clambered off he was somewhat grey. However the real performance of the night was from the driver who somehow managed to surf on the bull's back.
Of course the natural way to recover from such a bollock bashing is to have a game of "Beer Cartoon Limbo". For those of you unaware of this genius of a game it involves picking up a beer cartoon with your teeth whilst only your feet are touching the ground then tearing a portion off and passing the cartoon on to your neighbour for their turn.
Clearly it requires a high level of flexibility. Despite his natural deficiencies in thie area he fought through the early rounds through the simple medium of tearing his groin and gritting through the pain. Eventually however the cartoon got too low and he dropped out.
However that was the moment that the two Imps chose to strike and he began to hand out "motivational" bon mots to all and sundry. Well not quite all and sundry as he just stood behind Tamara (a Swiss dancer) as she bent over and did the splits and enjoyed the view.
"Dirty Pig" and "Dirty Old Man" are the politest descriptions she applied to him although she appears to have forgiven him this morning astonishingly.
In possession news he has torn his green "My Little Unicorn" trousers, his repair is less than invisible but seems to be holding.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Chapter 67 - Let's off Road
After 2 recouperative days in Hervey Bay, where our hero caught up with some cousins the boys headed off to Fraser Island for some four wheel drive and camping action.
For those of our readers who don't know Fraser Island is the largest sand island in the world. Now that does not sound much but it is actually nearly 95 miles long and heavily forrested.
Our hero quickly sized up the group and realised he was dealing with a group of soft city boys who would only get through this dangerous adventure with solid leadership and strict discipline and duly took it upon himself to deliver that.
Pretty soon the team where functioning like a slick military unit with tents hopping up and down with swift precision, latrines being constructed and shelters (from Cyclone Larry) being constructed.
In between the military style camping there was some first class driving through some rather challenging terrain and some bathing in Lake MacKenzie. Lake MacKenzie is a beautiful little lake around 600 yards in diameter that is in a bowl in the rainforest but is actually perched about the watertable and so is beautifully fresh and clean and the water is potable.
The last day was intended to be a tour of some of the other beautiful lakes on the island unfortunately on the second day Pablo left his bag at Orchid Beach right at the northern end and so having dropped the boys off at Lake MacKenzie (a 2 hour drive south from their campsite) our hero and Pablo - with Gordon for muscle - set off on an epic and very fast trip north and back again. It had to be quick due to the ferry departure at 1600.
Thanks to some rather aggressive off roading through the jungle tracks and some very fast driving up the eastern beach (called 75 mile beach) they just managed to make it back in time. After 6 hours behind the wheel our hero was well and truely shaken to pieces. We doubt his cocyxx with ever forgive him.
For those of our readers who don't know Fraser Island is the largest sand island in the world. Now that does not sound much but it is actually nearly 95 miles long and heavily forrested.
Our hero quickly sized up the group and realised he was dealing with a group of soft city boys who would only get through this dangerous adventure with solid leadership and strict discipline and duly took it upon himself to deliver that.
Pretty soon the team where functioning like a slick military unit with tents hopping up and down with swift precision, latrines being constructed and shelters (from Cyclone Larry) being constructed.
In between the military style camping there was some first class driving through some rather challenging terrain and some bathing in Lake MacKenzie. Lake MacKenzie is a beautiful little lake around 600 yards in diameter that is in a bowl in the rainforest but is actually perched about the watertable and so is beautifully fresh and clean and the water is potable.
The last day was intended to be a tour of some of the other beautiful lakes on the island unfortunately on the second day Pablo left his bag at Orchid Beach right at the northern end and so having dropped the boys off at Lake MacKenzie (a 2 hour drive south from their campsite) our hero and Pablo - with Gordon for muscle - set off on an epic and very fast trip north and back again. It had to be quick due to the ferry departure at 1600.
Thanks to some rather aggressive off roading through the jungle tracks and some very fast driving up the eastern beach (called 75 mile beach) they just managed to make it back in time. After 6 hours behind the wheel our hero was well and truely shaken to pieces. We doubt his cocyxx with ever forgive him.
Chapter 66 - Hunter Gatherer
Of course when travelling in the wilds it is important to be able to defend oneself from the natives and garner essential supplies of game by using the materials to hand.
Accordingly the boys have been busy studying the aboriginal warrior skills of sling spear throwing and boomerang hurling.
They have also been learning how to celebrate their hunting successes on the didgeridoo.
The wildlife does not look worried.
Accordingly the boys have been busy studying the aboriginal warrior skills of sling spear throwing and boomerang hurling.
They have also been learning how to celebrate their hunting successes on the didgeridoo.
The wildlife does not look worried.
Chapter 65 - Penance
As penance for scrapping with Hoots our (anti-)hero agreed to do all the admin for the next 2 days.
Foolishly he did not check what was coming up and so has spent the last 2 days organising the following:-
5 coach trips for 5 people
1 two day trip to Fraser Island for 7 people
Billeting for 6 people
1 three day trip sailing in the Whitsundays for 5 people.
He has been duly forgiven after much back breaking effort.
Foolishly he did not check what was coming up and so has spent the last 2 days organising the following:-
5 coach trips for 5 people
1 two day trip to Fraser Island for 7 people
Billeting for 6 people
1 three day trip sailing in the Whitsundays for 5 people.
He has been duly forgiven after much back breaking effort.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Chapter 64 - La Belle Alliance
The evening after the biffo was to be their last night in Brisbane before heading north to Hervey Bay. It was to prove to be far and away the best night of the stop. Before delving into this it is key to recall that there have been 7 lads together in Brisbane without any females to keep them in check for the last few days and they have become, how can we put this, rather feral.
Fortunately 5 of the girls they have met on their trip north caught up with them and so they were dragged back towards something like civilised behaviour for this final hurrah. The night was punctuated by rounds of Sambucas. Now it is very difficult to deliver a round of 20 Sambucas in small shot glasses without spilling a fair percentage. We are glad to report that none however was wasted as our hero downed all of the trays as well as his share of the shots.
The end of the night is a touch on the hazy side even for your normally teetotal correspondent.
Now it is perhaps appropriate to paint a picture of this entourage of women they have now acquired to help our gentle readers gain a fair grasp of how he is setting about meeting up with people of diverse backgrounds. They have all just left boarding school - Uppingham - and the least posh one's father is an MFH. Good to see he is mixing with the common man.
Fortunately 5 of the girls they have met on their trip north caught up with them and so they were dragged back towards something like civilised behaviour for this final hurrah. The night was punctuated by rounds of Sambucas. Now it is very difficult to deliver a round of 20 Sambucas in small shot glasses without spilling a fair percentage. We are glad to report that none however was wasted as our hero downed all of the trays as well as his share of the shots.
The end of the night is a touch on the hazy side even for your normally teetotal correspondent.
Now it is perhaps appropriate to paint a picture of this entourage of women they have now acquired to help our gentle readers gain a fair grasp of how he is setting about meeting up with people of diverse backgrounds. They have all just left boarding school - Uppingham - and the least posh one's father is an MFH. Good to see he is mixing with the common man.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Chapter 63 - Rocky
Having failed to fight each other in a ring in Thailand our hero took it upon himself, after a skinful, to try and manufacture a fight between them in Tin Billys.
Having failed to provoke Hoots' to action he simply punched him in the face.
What a great guy.
Having failed to provoke Hoots' to action he simply punched him in the face.
What a great guy.
Chapter 62 - Life's a Beach
To recover from the exertions of the brewery our hero, Curly Bob and Pablo decided to hit the beach.
Now those of you with a keen knowledge of geography will know that Brisbane is 20km from the Ocean and those of you with a keen knowledge of his laziness will know he would never trek that far.
Fortunately the solution to this Gordian Knot has been laid on by the good burghers of Brisbane who have built a fake beach (complete with fake ocean and everything) on the south bank of the Brisbane river. Very good of them.
Now those of you with a keen knowledge of geography will know that Brisbane is 20km from the Ocean and those of you with a keen knowledge of his laziness will know he would never trek that far.
Fortunately the solution to this Gordian Knot has been laid on by the good burghers of Brisbane who have built a fake beach (complete with fake ocean and everything) on the south bank of the Brisbane river. Very good of them.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Chapter 61 - Piss up in a Brewery
They boys now have quite the entourage - Gordon,
Pablo,
Curly Bob, 
Silent Ben, 
The Great Dane
and Umberto 
(yes the nick-name fairy has been out to play - none of these names are real) and the general feeling around the campfire on Sunday was that a night off the booze was in order.
Most of the boys managed it (obviously not our hero) but they woke on Monday so racked with guilt at having not been to a pub the day before they could only do penance by going to a brewery and so they duly hit the Castlemaine Perkins brewery.
As they entered the cathedral like bottling house a reverential silence descended on them only broken by our hero "so much beer, so little time".
By the end of the tour their thirsts were a raging and it was clear they could only be slaked with a lake of beer and so it began...
Pablo,
Curly Bob, 
Silent Ben, 
The Great Dane
and Umberto 
(yes the nick-name fairy has been out to play - none of these names are real) and the general feeling around the campfire on Sunday was that a night off the booze was in order.
Most of the boys managed it (obviously not our hero) but they woke on Monday so racked with guilt at having not been to a pub the day before they could only do penance by going to a brewery and so they duly hit the Castlemaine Perkins brewery.
As they entered the cathedral like bottling house a reverential silence descended on them only broken by our hero "so much beer, so little time".
By the end of the tour their thirsts were a raging and it was clear they could only be slaked with a lake of beer and so it began...
Monday, March 13, 2006
Chapter 60 - The Drugs don't Work
With a cheery wave they said goodbye to Byron, set their compasses to North and set off to Brisbane.
On they way they called in at Nimbin, Australia's capital of "alternative lifestyle" having inhaled rather too much of this "alternative lifestyle" our hero was rendered incoherent by 1030 AM, shameful.
Heading further north they wasted some time in Surfer's Paradise before clambering into a big inflatable ball and being thrown down a hill. Remarkably it appears to have re-connected him with reality.
On they way they called in at Nimbin, Australia's capital of "alternative lifestyle" having inhaled rather too much of this "alternative lifestyle" our hero was rendered incoherent by 1030 AM, shameful.
Heading further north they wasted some time in Surfer's Paradise before clambering into a big inflatable ball and being thrown down a hill. Remarkably it appears to have re-connected him with reality.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Chapter 59 - Thunderstruck
Having completed the first 3 day leg of their jourent of exploration northwards they decided to stop in Byron Bay for 3 nights.
The first night was spent at Cheeky Monkeys with the sole aim of getting Thunder drunk as a lord. Mission accomplised as he has not been since since.
This Cheeky Monkeys place is a "party pub" which essentially means that they hand out prizes for completing barely pre-pubescent tasks and challenges. Of course our hero, being far and away the oldest person in there (possibly ever) threw himself into this nonsense with a rare gusto.
One task involved delivering a girl's bra to the MC. He cooly turned to the girl next to him (18 year old public school girl (Uppingham)) held out his had and demanded "Lydia, bra, please". She duly complied and he won and in truely chivalric fashion gave her the prize (a day trip to Nimbin).
However that was not the end of his chivalric activities for the night as the MC locked the poor girl's bra in the DJ booth much to her dismay. Fortunately Hoots and our hero deployed cunning and guile to launch a devastating commando raid on the booth to rescue said item and earn the maiden's eternal gratitude.
On the second night they managed to locate a Ruby Murray (very average) before returning to Cheeky Monkeys for a wet T-shirt competion. We despair.
The first night was spent at Cheeky Monkeys with the sole aim of getting Thunder drunk as a lord. Mission accomplised as he has not been since since.
This Cheeky Monkeys place is a "party pub" which essentially means that they hand out prizes for completing barely pre-pubescent tasks and challenges. Of course our hero, being far and away the oldest person in there (possibly ever) threw himself into this nonsense with a rare gusto.
One task involved delivering a girl's bra to the MC. He cooly turned to the girl next to him (18 year old public school girl (Uppingham)) held out his had and demanded "Lydia, bra, please". She duly complied and he won and in truely chivalric fashion gave her the prize (a day trip to Nimbin).
However that was not the end of his chivalric activities for the night as the MC locked the poor girl's bra in the DJ booth much to her dismay. Fortunately Hoots and our hero deployed cunning and guile to launch a devastating commando raid on the booth to rescue said item and earn the maiden's eternal gratitude.
On the second night they managed to locate a Ruby Murray (very average) before returning to Cheeky Monkeys for a wet T-shirt competion. We despair.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Chapter 58 - Point Break
Having shot the rapids of doom they decided to move on and turn their hand to surfing.
Those of you familiar with our hero's sense of balance, or lack thereof, will probably be able to guess the rest of this chapter.
Suffice to say despite being issued with a board only slightly smaller than HMS Ark Royal he failed to impress. He did manage to stand up, once, but then had to feign a serious elbow injury to avoid further embarassment.
Those of you familiar with our hero's sense of balance, or lack thereof, will probably be able to guess the rest of this chapter.
Suffice to say despite being issued with a board only slightly smaller than HMS Ark Royal he failed to impress. He did manage to stand up, once, but then had to feign a serious elbow injury to avoid further embarassment.
Chapter 57 - Darkness descends
As many of our readers will know white water rafting is not totally risk free. It becomes about as safe as playing tig with a tiger if done in the dark. When done in the dark by someone having to choose between blindness or pitch blackness (behind his shades) it becomes about as safe as Russian Roulette, with a semi-automatic.
Of course that didn't stop him and so last night he went and shot the rapids in the pitch black. Fortunately he was too drunk to be scared.
Of course that didn't stop him and so last night he went and shot the rapids in the pitch black. Fortunately he was too drunk to be scared.
Chapter 56 - Magenta da Vine
It has been far too long since he suffered a possession debacle so to keep our readers entertained he snapped his glasses in half yesterday, very generous of him.
As a result the only way he can see is by wearing his sun-glasses, all the time.
He has to explain the reason for this to everyone he meets in case they thing he is an unremitting burk. Sadly he fails to realise that it is not the wearing of shades that marks him out as an unremitting burk.
In other possession news he has finally accepted the inevitable and shipped some of the more ridiculous items he brought with him, viz. a pair of woolen trousers, a long woolen scarf and 30 pairs of socks. Not the most useful backpacking kit.
As a result the only way he can see is by wearing his sun-glasses, all the time.
He has to explain the reason for this to everyone he meets in case they thing he is an unremitting burk. Sadly he fails to realise that it is not the wearing of shades that marks him out as an unremitting burk.
In other possession news he has finally accepted the inevitable and shipped some of the more ridiculous items he brought with him, viz. a pair of woolen trousers, a long woolen scarf and 30 pairs of socks. Not the most useful backpacking kit.
Chapter 55 - Into the Wild
Having had their fill of civilisation the boys have got back together and headed off on an epic journey of discovery up the East Coast to Cairns.
The first leg has taken them up into the hills of Barrington and they are spending the night in a gold rush era (converted) brothel.
Their driver up here is called, we kid you not, Thunder!
They appear to have stumbled into a celebrity look-a-like convention. There is a Jaques Villeneuve
as well as a Jade Goody.
This seems appropriate as your correspondent is told that our hero now looks like Kevin Smith (aka Silent Bob) a Hollywood writer and sometime actor.
Sadly we cannot confirm this as we have no idea who they are talking about although we can confirm that Hoots (in his new fetching straw stetson) looks like Jake Gylgenhall (are we sure about this spelling? - ed) in Brokeback Mountain.
The first leg has taken them up into the hills of Barrington and they are spending the night in a gold rush era (converted) brothel.
Their driver up here is called, we kid you not, Thunder!
They appear to have stumbled into a celebrity look-a-like convention. There is a Jaques Villeneuve
as well as a Jade Goody.
This seems appropriate as your correspondent is told that our hero now looks like Kevin Smith (aka Silent Bob) a Hollywood writer and sometime actor.
Sadly we cannot confirm this as we have no idea who they are talking about although we can confirm that Hoots (in his new fetching straw stetson) looks like Jake Gylgenhall (are we sure about this spelling? - ed) in Brokeback Mountain.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Chapter 54 - Two become one
After 2 days of R&R in Manly Hoots was sufficiently recovered to return to backpacking life and shot off to The Jolly Swagman hostel in the oh so salubrious King's Cross area of Sydney.
Meanwhile our hero has remained in Manly.
A couple of days ago he met up with a very old (and ex-girl) friend of his called Sam who has emigrated here and it turns out lives about 50 yards away from Boris. A few beers were shared over the usual reminiscences.
Then on Friday night Boris and he chartered a motor boat, less a gin palace more a lager hut, as Boris had organised a swim for the Saturday and they needed a support boat. After a few beers in the city they settled down for the night on the boat moored in the middle of the harbour.
This swim was from the Harbour Bridge to Manly (11km) against the tide.
Fortunately the swim was not to be done all in one but rather by a relay team of four. With a heinously early start (0630) to make the safety briefing and pick up the rest of the team (and following a quiet night in the alcohol stakes (ergo insomnia)) our hero was less than well rested for the start of the race.
Fortunately Boris was swimming the first leg. This would have been less hairy had the QEII not come into harbour at that moment and gone straight through the course.
Unfortunately on the eighth leg (they were swimming 20 minute legs each) Ed was attacked by jellyfish and had to be dragged from the water. Gimli was first to offer to piss on the weals (a proven curative) but Ed politely and inexplicably declined.
A quick check of the surrounding waters revealed they were in the midst of a enourmous swarm of the bastards (known as Blue Bottles) and so the decision was taken to keep the swimmers out of the water and motor to the other side of the swarm. This turned out to be 300 metres from the finishing post.
The boys jumped back in the water and completed the course together. As they made their way up the beach they were mobbed as heroes by the organisers and forced to give a number of interviews to the local press.
After about 5 minutes however guilt overcame them and they 'fessed up to the organisers.
However once it had become clear that everyone (bar one very brave girl who was named the winner having swum the entire way on her own) had chickened out at some stage some shrewd arguments were deployed (along with the 7' tall Jake) to persuade the officials that they should not be disqualified. Eventually after consultation they agreed that as they had been out of the water for the shortest possible time to avoid injury they were placed second and awared silver medals, electric toothbrushes and a sponsors' bag. (Journalistic intergrity prevents us mentioning that the sponsor was Men's Health magazine)
After these triumphs Gimli went out with Boris and chums in Manly and about halfway through the night all the girls in the group came and apologised to him. Now this caused no end of consternation as it is of course normally him doing the apologising but it transpired that they thought he was another of Boris's friends from home and therefore a love rat rather than the charming loveable rogue that he in fact is. Of course percerptive fellow that he is he had not noticed they were being all aloof to him and didn't know what they were apologising for.
Of course through some very careful use of words (without ever lying) he was able to give the impression to the local girls that he had actually been part of the swim team that came second rather than just drinking G&Ts on the support boat...
Meanwhile our hero has remained in Manly.
A couple of days ago he met up with a very old (and ex-girl) friend of his called Sam who has emigrated here and it turns out lives about 50 yards away from Boris. A few beers were shared over the usual reminiscences.
Then on Friday night Boris and he chartered a motor boat, less a gin palace more a lager hut, as Boris had organised a swim for the Saturday and they needed a support boat. After a few beers in the city they settled down for the night on the boat moored in the middle of the harbour.
This swim was from the Harbour Bridge to Manly (11km) against the tide.
Fortunately the swim was not to be done all in one but rather by a relay team of four. With a heinously early start (0630) to make the safety briefing and pick up the rest of the team (and following a quiet night in the alcohol stakes (ergo insomnia)) our hero was less than well rested for the start of the race.
Fortunately Boris was swimming the first leg. This would have been less hairy had the QEII not come into harbour at that moment and gone straight through the course.
Unfortunately on the eighth leg (they were swimming 20 minute legs each) Ed was attacked by jellyfish and had to be dragged from the water. Gimli was first to offer to piss on the weals (a proven curative) but Ed politely and inexplicably declined.
A quick check of the surrounding waters revealed they were in the midst of a enourmous swarm of the bastards (known as Blue Bottles) and so the decision was taken to keep the swimmers out of the water and motor to the other side of the swarm. This turned out to be 300 metres from the finishing post.
The boys jumped back in the water and completed the course together. As they made their way up the beach they were mobbed as heroes by the organisers and forced to give a number of interviews to the local press.
After about 5 minutes however guilt overcame them and they 'fessed up to the organisers.
However once it had become clear that everyone (bar one very brave girl who was named the winner having swum the entire way on her own) had chickened out at some stage some shrewd arguments were deployed (along with the 7' tall Jake) to persuade the officials that they should not be disqualified. Eventually after consultation they agreed that as they had been out of the water for the shortest possible time to avoid injury they were placed second and awared silver medals, electric toothbrushes and a sponsors' bag. (Journalistic intergrity prevents us mentioning that the sponsor was Men's Health magazine)
After these triumphs Gimli went out with Boris and chums in Manly and about halfway through the night all the girls in the group came and apologised to him. Now this caused no end of consternation as it is of course normally him doing the apologising but it transpired that they thought he was another of Boris's friends from home and therefore a love rat rather than the charming loveable rogue that he in fact is. Of course percerptive fellow that he is he had not noticed they were being all aloof to him and didn't know what they were apologising for.
Of course through some very careful use of words (without ever lying) he was able to give the impression to the local girls that he had actually been part of the swim team that came second rather than just drinking G&Ts on the support boat...
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