As is usual with the great sporting occasions (think the Olympics) there was huge concern about whether this left enough time to ready the facilities but the good people of Bath worked overtime and the ground was finished just in time.
The Send Off
Just as Posh and Becks now throw a party for the England squad whenever they head off for an international tournament so Barry and the boys at Totos threw a party for the tourists. Well truth be told they just headed over for a couple of sharpeners after work.
In light of the difficulty in getting together a side (how difficult can it be to get 11 people together out of 700 employees - very) they rather assumed that a few people might at least come out to see them on their way and wish them luck. Silly boys. Obviously their sincere thanks to Rebecca, Abbie and Claire who actually made the effort.
The Journey
Our regular readers will recall the horror of the journey to York last year. One of the advantages of Bath is its proximity. Clearly their thanks must go to the County Council who decided to shut the A4 for the occasion but as the Chairman demonstrated the fun bus can cope with those twisty country roads as well as any sports car and before the boys could polish off the beers they were in Scrapper’s flat in Bath ready for an evening of drunken debauchery.
The various villages they passed through were certainly aware of their passing thanks to a booming stereo and the wonders of a vehicle that can be driven with the doors open.
The First Night
The tradition that is the “Shore Power Hour” was raised to a new level this year with 8 rounds in 40 minutes. Sadly a “Shore Power 40 minutes” doesn’t trip off the tongue so well.
It did leave them sufficiently well oiled that they were refused entry at the higher class of nightclub and so had to settle for the chav scum hell that is O’Neills. Dropper promptly headed off to chat up the lovely locals whilst Scrapper hit the dance floor to impress with his moves. He must have done so as it quickly cleared of women, no doubt to give him space to show off his funky stuff.
You can always tell a classy club when there is a rabid psycho taff in the room ready to kill the first man who meets his gaze. Usually this role is fulfilled by Hermione but on this occasion it was a proper nutter. A quick retreat was beat to the local kebab shop. Some raw chicken kebabs enlivened the evening.
The Chairman decided to pinch Dropper’s glasses and in high dudgeon (and high drunkenness) Dropper decided that the only way to persuade the boys to give his glasses back was to drop his trousers and stand in the middle of Bath with his todger out “I’m not putting it away until I get my glasses back” was the somewhat unpersuasive cry.
To save the good name of Clarke Willmott the Chairman sent Dropper home.
A decision now shrouded in the mists of alcohol was taken to hit a gay bar called “Mandolin” (geddit) and the boys were received very well. Strangely they didn’t feel the need to finish their lovely cocktails and desperate to re-assert their sexuality they got Scrapper’s selection of hard core porn on the DVD sharpish.
The Viscount promptly passed out and Hermione and the Chairman set about drawing a
handlebar moustache on his face.
As they leant over his prostrate form with some filth playing on a loop on the TV Scrapper’s bird came in from work. A potentially uncomfortable moment was avoided by Hermione asking to borrow her make up which she readily agreed to. Fortunately for the Viscount she pooh poohed the Chairman’s request for some Veet.
The Match
After 5 weeks of solid sunshine it was of course too much to hope that it wouldn’t rain. As the boys turned up at the ground the cloud cover was pretty gloomy and clearly full of rain. With no real expectation that the game could be finished the Chairman won the toss and elected to bat.
Since the retirement of Smudger the selectors have been struggling to find an opening partner for the Chairman and in desperation they threw Hermione into the fray. Having spent all morning promising that he was full of runs and wasn’t going to throw it away he edged his first ball through slip’s hands for 4 and played all round the straight second ball.
Bing looked the part but having got a start fell the same way as Hermione and Scrapper may as well not have bothered.
With the score at 15 for 3 the Chairman was anxious that it could be embarrassing and decided to drop anchor and let the rest of the team play around him. Bond clearly got the message and started carting it round whilst the Chairman proceeded to score all his runs on one side of the wicket (no surprise there, the surprise was that it was the off side).
After their rescue operation a fine base had been established after 15 overs of 84 for 3.
From such a sure foundation there was only one way it could and with Bond playing down the wrong line, the Viscount playing all round a slow looper first ball, Holt giving catching practice and the Chairman tamely tapping back a return catch a rather less rosy picture of 90 for 7 after 20 overs was on display.
Fortunately the Latham boys dug in and whilst Major tried to replicate the Chairman’s batting Minor carted it around and hit a half-century.
Woodsy did a “scrapper” whilst Caldwell survived. A barely respectable 166 all out was the miserable return from their 30 overs.
The Chairman had nominated the Viscount as skipper for the day with Dropper having been sent home in disgrace (see above) and he chose to open the bowling with Hermione and Bing. The politest thing to say about Hermione’s bowling is that Bing bowled very well.
Sadly neither could find the breakthrough and after 8 overs they were well on the way to victory at 50 without loss. Although the catching (and umpiring) didn’t help.
Latham Major snaffled a wicket in his first over and whilst he and Bond bowled manfully they just could not get the breakthrough and their opener just kept on carting them out of the park.
Finally with the game already out of their grasp Major at last followed the Chairman’s suggestion of bowling wide outside the off stump and their troublesome opener chipped a catch up to Webb at point.
Woodsy and the Viscount then sort to exert some pressure and with a maiden from Woodsy first up and the Viscount picking up a wicket with his first ball (although some suggested that the bails may have been dislodged by a gust of wind rather than the ball) it looked like they might be able to do that.
Unfortunately the runs were just coming too quickly and the wickets weren’t coming and despite two wickets in 2 balls from Minor the Viscount conceded the losing runs.
About 5 minutes later the heavens opened. Fortunately the boys had rapidly retreated to the pavilion and the haven that is rough scrumpy.
All in all a good game, if it hadn’t been for those rubbish 5 overs from 15 to 20 it might have been close. There is some suggestion of making this an annual fixture.
Batting
Webb Bwld. Kelly 4
Williams Ct. & Bwld. Dicks 22
Evans Bwld. Kelly 8
Shore Ct. Gardner 2
Bond Bwld. Shaw 32
Earl Bwld. Shaw 0
Holt Ct. Dicks 1
Latham C Ct. & Bwld. Dicks 4
Latham R Bwld. Gibbons 51
Woods Bwld. Kelly 1
Caldwell Not Out 0
Extras (12 W, 6 NB, 19 B, 3 LB) 40
Total 166 AO
Bowling
O M R W
Webb 4 0 32 0
Evans 4 0 18 0
Latham C 5 0 32 2
Bond 3 0 25 0
Woods 3 1 18 0
Earl 3.3 0 29 1
Latham R 1 0 8 2
The Second Night
With the team splitting up with some heading out for food and others adopting the “eating is cheating” maxim there was a danger that the evening would fall apart but fortunately they ate sharpish and were quickly reunited and chucking back the Magners in the Star.
Those of the “eating is cheating” school of thought had a full supper of pickled eggs and pork scratchings.
A quick pub crawl through some very trendy bars and they picked up some girls who they used as cover to persuade the bouncers of a trendy club that they were respectable. They quickly got rid of them to enable them to chase after the full panoply of skirt available.
The real oddity of the club was the apparent party from Scope. Your writer has never seen so many wheelchairs in a club. The question posed by the Chairman was “so how do they dance then?”
After a bit of grooving they headed off for a kebab
(well Tobias passed out in the street so the Chairman stole his ‘phone) followed by a return to Scrapper’s for another night of filth.The Final Morning
A remarkably early start was enlivened by the huge stain by Hermione, goodness knows what he did in the night. A quick jaunt back to Bristol and some breakfast and the end of yet another excellent tour.
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