Bangkok airport is where. He is now sporting, at a suitably jaunty angle, a wide brimmed straw hat.
To paint the full picture may turn the stomach of our gentler readers who may wish to skip on a chapter as journalistic obligation forces us to record the ragtag appearance of this once finely dressed young man.
Starting from the bottom:-
Heavily soiled Jesus Creepers
His green "My Little Unicorn" trousers, rolled up to the knee
A blue, purple and white check shirt (usually worn to work on a Friday), heavily soiled with flourescent paint
The Colours wrapped around his wrist
A red beard
The hat
Heavens what a combo.
In other news, they made it to Oz (despite some sideways glances at his clean-shaven passport photo), his i-pod is fixed and he has a new phone which is about as much use as a chocolate tea-pot. If you know his email address please email him your phone numbers.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Chapter 51 - The Bangkok Hilston
Having returned to Bangkok the lads met up with some more Canadians (is that country empty?) who had been on Koh Pha Ngan and spent the last two days on the sauce with them (with a totally innocent trip to Patpong thrown in for Gimli (yeah right they're going to believe that - ed)).
Of course Thailand could not let them go without one final drama and that would come at immigration. At the counter his usual breezy "Good Afternoon" (with the plum quotient turned up to the max) was met with an even stonier silence than normal. The surly official spent several minutes agonising over his passport before calling in his superiors and he had to head off to be quizzed by a couple of chaps with far too much gold braid for his liking.
Of course he maintained a cool British exterior (whilst shitting himself inside) and following some frenzied discussions between the gold braid merchants it became apparent that they were unhappy with the water damage to his passport (in particular the Thai visa) which had occured on the boat trip to Koh Pha Ngan. Although for the record it appeared that it was water damage per se that was the issue not its timing.
After a brief discussion, during which the prospect of a trip to jail faded with sufficient alacrity for comfort, he persuaded them to let him through having completed a fresh departure card.
We fear he will be PNG'd from Thailand for many a year to come.
Of course Thailand could not let them go without one final drama and that would come at immigration. At the counter his usual breezy "Good Afternoon" (with the plum quotient turned up to the max) was met with an even stonier silence than normal. The surly official spent several minutes agonising over his passport before calling in his superiors and he had to head off to be quizzed by a couple of chaps with far too much gold braid for his liking.
Of course he maintained a cool British exterior (whilst shitting himself inside) and following some frenzied discussions between the gold braid merchants it became apparent that they were unhappy with the water damage to his passport (in particular the Thai visa) which had occured on the boat trip to Koh Pha Ngan. Although for the record it appeared that it was water damage per se that was the issue not its timing.
After a brief discussion, during which the prospect of a trip to jail faded with sufficient alacrity for comfort, he persuaded them to let him through having completed a fresh departure card.
We fear he will be PNG'd from Thailand for many a year to come.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Chapter 50 - The Long and Windy Road
Hoots had been tasked with arranging the transport to Bangkok so it was with no small amount of trepidation that they set off on their epic trip north. After an inauspicious start (ramshakle mini-bus to the bus station) it transpired that the lad had acquited himself well with a large air-conditioned bus with few well spaced deep reclining seats.
Sadly his good work was undone when they arrived at the wrong part of Bangkok and they had to get a taxi at 0600 to the right place. That trip was enlivened only by Hoots' realisation half-way into it that he had left his note-book (containing the novel he is writing) on the bus.
That being said for a 15 hour bus trip it was bearable.
Sadly his good work was undone when they arrived at the wrong part of Bangkok and they had to get a taxi at 0600 to the right place. That trip was enlivened only by Hoots' realisation half-way into it that he had left his note-book (containing the novel he is writing) on the bus.
That being said for a 15 hour bus trip it was bearable.
Chapter 49 - Phuket - a retrospective
Short and sweet to say the least. It is very heavily developed and is certainly the most holiday orientated of all of their destinations in the South. Very few young 'uns and the two of them appeared to be the only two long term travellers in town.
Nevertheless a gratuitous party town has its place in the pantheon of experiences and Pattong provided that in abundance.
It is also the sleaziest and seediest of their destinations to date with a very high number of Ting Tongs and Go-Go bars.
On the Ting Tong front Pattong has its own breed of real sad losers. Most of the blokes drive their Ting Tongs round on the back of a moped/scooter. This lot can't even learn how to drive and have to be driven around by their Ting Tongs.
Nevertheless a gratuitous party town has its place in the pantheon of experiences and Pattong provided that in abundance.
It is also the sleaziest and seediest of their destinations to date with a very high number of Ting Tongs and Go-Go bars.
On the Ting Tong front Pattong has its own breed of real sad losers. Most of the blokes drive their Ting Tongs round on the back of a moped/scooter. This lot can't even learn how to drive and have to be driven around by their Ting Tongs.
Chapter 48 - Phuket let's go to Phuket (I thought we had fired this idiot? - ed)
With a spare day to kill before heading to Bangkok our heroes hopped on a boat to Phuket. Whilst on the boat he managed to burn his forearms and his forehead. They go very nicely with his burnt shoulders. Here's a tip for you all, when backpacking do not (and we really mean this) repeat do not burn your shoulders in the sun.
Once on Phuket they headed to Pattong, a real heavy party beach with possibly the highest concentration of bars anywhere in the world (many of them of the go-go variety) so of course they went out and got obliterated (including a rather surreal experience playing the best pool of their lives in a Go-Go bar/pole dancing establishment) but surprising to report he managed to keep hold of all of his possessions. On the possession front he appears to have lost his belt, well is was last seen in Chiang Mai anyway.
They have a 15 hour overnight bus journey to look forward to now, what joy. In preparation he has steeled himself by buying a Daily Telegraph.
Once on Phuket they headed to Pattong, a real heavy party beach with possibly the highest concentration of bars anywhere in the world (many of them of the go-go variety) so of course they went out and got obliterated (including a rather surreal experience playing the best pool of their lives in a Go-Go bar/pole dancing establishment) but surprising to report he managed to keep hold of all of his possessions. On the possession front he appears to have lost his belt, well is was last seen in Chiang Mai anyway.
They have a 15 hour overnight bus journey to look forward to now, what joy. In preparation he has steeled himself by buying a Daily Telegraph.
Chapter 47 - Koh Phi Phi - a retrospective
Probably the most beautiful scenery of the trip so far with huge towering cliffs and thickly forrested very steep hills.
The main island (Koh Phi Phi Don) is almost two islands merely connected by a 200 metre wide strip of very low land (basically it would be all beach if it were not for the development). The main resort lies on this strip and was battered by the Tsunami particularly badly as the waves came from both directions and met in the middle however you if you did not know this you would hardly be able to tell so swiftly has the re-building taken place. Probably the main clue is the very high number of amputees on the island.
The main resort is quite bustling but with a rather ramshackle air about it. The focal point of most nights on the island appears to be the Muay Thai ring (particularly since The Bout) until about 0100 when everyone decamps to the beach (well apart from him, he was usually asleep by then).
After the calm and peace of Koh Pha Ngan it felt rather bustling but objectively it is probably quite quiet and chilled. Certainly the various coves around the island are even more laid back than the place they stayed at on Koh Pha Ngan.
The main island (Koh Phi Phi Don) is almost two islands merely connected by a 200 metre wide strip of very low land (basically it would be all beach if it were not for the development). The main resort lies on this strip and was battered by the Tsunami particularly badly as the waves came from both directions and met in the middle however you if you did not know this you would hardly be able to tell so swiftly has the re-building taken place. Probably the main clue is the very high number of amputees on the island.
The main resort is quite bustling but with a rather ramshackle air about it. The focal point of most nights on the island appears to be the Muay Thai ring (particularly since The Bout) until about 0100 when everyone decamps to the beach (well apart from him, he was usually asleep by then).
After the calm and peace of Koh Pha Ngan it felt rather bustling but objectively it is probably quite quiet and chilled. Certainly the various coves around the island are even more laid back than the place they stayed at on Koh Pha Ngan.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Chapter 46 - Radio Silence
We apologise for the breakdown in comms over the last few days due to "technical difficulties". Normal service is now resumed - see below starting at Chapter 33.
Chapter 45 - Koh Pha Ngan - a more considered retrospective
We aplogise for the brevity of the initial retrospective, brevity only matched by the night's sleep had by your correspondent immediately before filing it which goes to explain a lot.
Apart from the main town of Hat Rin the island is largely undisturbed with just a few huts at each of the coves around the island accessible either by foot or boat (or a combination of both).
These huts power comes from Jennys only which at the place they stayed were turned off between 0200 and 0700 and usually failed several times a day, particularly in bad weather.
Their stay was marked by a bout of poor weather which perversely improved their time there as all the guests had to hang out in the bar area, playing pool and just chilling.
The full moon party was a remarkable experience a great night (during which he had the Welsh Flag painted on his forehead in flourescent paint) following by watching the sun rise with 5,000 other revellers.
So far this island is the highlight of the trip.
Apart from the main town of Hat Rin the island is largely undisturbed with just a few huts at each of the coves around the island accessible either by foot or boat (or a combination of both).
These huts power comes from Jennys only which at the place they stayed were turned off between 0200 and 0700 and usually failed several times a day, particularly in bad weather.
Their stay was marked by a bout of poor weather which perversely improved their time there as all the guests had to hang out in the bar area, playing pool and just chilling.
The full moon party was a remarkable experience a great night (during which he had the Welsh Flag painted on his forehead in flourescent paint) following by watching the sun rise with 5,000 other revellers.
So far this island is the highlight of the trip.
Chapter 44 - The Long March
Today the boys decided to properly explore the island - on foot.
They set off to the highest point (186 metres) before shooting down into a valley then back over a ridge and down to a bay on the other side of the island.
A quick beer later and they did the trip in reverse. In total a vertical distance of some 800 metres in only 2 horizontal miles and an average gradient of 1 in 4. A certain amount of scrabbling up (and down) near vertical slopes was involved.
It is also fair to record that he had a bit of a bead on by the end - so much so that the colours in his Chang vest have run.
They set off to the highest point (186 metres) before shooting down into a valley then back over a ridge and down to a bay on the other side of the island.
A quick beer later and they did the trip in reverse. In total a vertical distance of some 800 metres in only 2 horizontal miles and an average gradient of 1 in 4. A certain amount of scrabbling up (and down) near vertical slopes was involved.
It is also fair to record that he had a bit of a bead on by the end - so much so that the colours in his Chang vest have run.
Chapter 43 - Muay Thai - Part 2
After going to see the Muay Thai for the last few nights it has become apparent why Buck and Gimli were the beneficiaries of quite so much adulation from the crowd after the Bout and why they keep getting stopped in the street to have their hands shaken. They are the only westerners to have actually gone for it in ages - all the others prance around like poseurs and think they're chocolate.
Meanwhile Oddjob (the local lad who gets the westerners in the ring) is despairing and spends every night trying to get them back in the ring for another proper fight to entertain the crowds.
Meanwhile Oddjob (the local lad who gets the westerners in the ring) is despairing and spends every night trying to get them back in the ring for another proper fight to entertain the crowds.
Chapter 42 - Shelob's Lair
Hoots has been telling Gimli of a spider lurking in their bathroom of tremendous size and speed but frankly he hasn't really believed him until this morning when he padded into the bathroom for the usual ablutions.
As the fug of sleep slowly lifted he realised that he was confronted by a giant spider. Her body was at least 2 inches across and the legs 4 inches each.
Before the beast could strike Gimli grabbed Sting (well the hose) and bravely (are we sure about this? - ed) washed the foul beast down the drain after an epic duel in which she scuttled hither and thither.
Brave Boy.
As the fug of sleep slowly lifted he realised that he was confronted by a giant spider. Her body was at least 2 inches across and the legs 4 inches each.
Before the beast could strike Gimli grabbed Sting (well the hose) and bravely (are we sure about this? - ed) washed the foul beast down the drain after an epic duel in which she scuttled hither and thither.
Brave Boy.
Chapter 41 - Knight in Shining Armour
After a heavy night of hard rocking drinking for their last night Buck stole a police bicycle to get home. Silly sod rather spoilt the effect by jumping off and doing a runner when he actually spotted a copper.
Meanwhile Raging Dick Dangerous was up all night playing the bongos on the beach. On the walk home he spotted a pretty girl in distress and went to her aid to discover that her friend was running a very high fever. Quick as a flash he got them to the local hospital and earned their eternal gratitude.
Saving boats one day, damsels in distress the next, very rock and roll.
Meanwhile Raging Dick Dangerous was up all night playing the bongos on the beach. On the walk home he spotted a pretty girl in distress and went to her aid to discover that her friend was running a very high fever. Quick as a flash he got them to the local hospital and earned their eternal gratitude.
Saving boats one day, damsels in distress the next, very rock and roll.
Chapter 40 - Deep Blue
The boys have taken to playing chess.
It is fair to say that it was like lambs to the slaughter to begin with as Hoots was smashed off the table whilst Sir Ranulph took to amusing himself by only using some of his pieces.
However Hoots has been learning swiftly and thanks to an almighty gaff by Gimli (he inadvertently threw his queen away) he has now won a game. Biscuit Boy is hopping mad.
It is fair to say that it was like lambs to the slaughter to begin with as Hoots was smashed off the table whilst Sir Ranulph took to amusing himself by only using some of his pieces.
However Hoots has been learning swiftly and thanks to an almighty gaff by Gimli (he inadvertently threw his queen away) he has now won a game. Biscuit Boy is hopping mad.
Chapter 39 - Man Flu
Would you believe it, he has managed to catch a cold in the tropics, it'll be sniffling and snuffling all the way from here.
Chapter 38 - The Barbs Roll
Clearly any band called The Black Rhubarb is just going to be contracted to become The Barbs and so to save time the boys have renamed themselves.
Last night they went out for their last night together (the Canadians are heading to Cambodia) in character and following 2 buckets each they partied the night out as The Barbs.
My how the locals were impressed by the rock gods amongst them. Bogun fell in with a crowd of hard rocking Norwegians and was persuaded to try chewing tobacco for the first and he hopes the last time.
They plan to cite "creative difficulties" to explain the Canadian's departure (and to get out of their booking for tonight)
Last night they went out for their last night together (the Canadians are heading to Cambodia) in character and following 2 buckets each they partied the night out as The Barbs.
My how the locals were impressed by the rock gods amongst them. Bogun fell in with a crowd of hard rocking Norwegians and was persuaded to try chewing tobacco for the first and he hopes the last time.
They plan to cite "creative difficulties" to explain the Canadian's departure (and to get out of their booking for tonight)
Chapter 37 - The Black Rhubarb
Last night the boys sat down to ruminate on a future together as a four piece rock back called The Black Rhubarb.
Clearly Sir Ranulph as the podgy weird looking one would play drums under the name Bogun. His affectation would be a Union Flag bandana and constant chewing of a cocktail stick.
Bucket as the taciturn brooding member of the gr0up would have to play bass (as Buck) whilst Hoots (under the name Raging Dick Dangerous) would do the 6 string axe work.
Meanwhile Assassin would have to take vocals (we can't shut him up anyway) under the name Sin.
They should be a big hit.
Clearly Sir Ranulph as the podgy weird looking one would play drums under the name Bogun. His affectation would be a Union Flag bandana and constant chewing of a cocktail stick.
Bucket as the taciturn brooding member of the gr0up would have to play bass (as Buck) whilst Hoots (under the name Raging Dick Dangerous) would do the 6 string axe work.
Meanwhile Assassin would have to take vocals (we can't shut him up anyway) under the name Sin.
They should be a big hit.
Chapter 36 - Still Fat
Yesterday was a day of exploration as the adventurers sett off by boat to explore the Phi Phi islands (there are 2 plus some smaller out-lyers).
Quick visits to the various locations of The Beach coupled with a load of snorkelling and a failed attempt to swim with sharks marked out the morning.
Lunch was enlivened by the skipper mocking Sir Ranulph's gut, reports of it rapidly diminishing may be premature.
The afternoon was spent swimming to Bamboo Island (with the tide) which was very good, a sleep on the beach and then swimming back (against the tide) which was less amusing.
The day was topped off with a trip to Monkey Beach where one of the people on the boat was attacked by a mob of monkeys, no doubt driven mad with thirst from all the salted peanuts being fed to them by the tourists.
Quick visits to the various locations of The Beach coupled with a load of snorkelling and a failed attempt to swim with sharks marked out the morning.
Lunch was enlivened by the skipper mocking Sir Ranulph's gut, reports of it rapidly diminishing may be premature.
The afternoon was spent swimming to Bamboo Island (with the tide) which was very good, a sleep on the beach and then swimming back (against the tide) which was less amusing.
The day was topped off with a trip to Monkey Beach where one of the people on the boat was attacked by a mob of monkeys, no doubt driven mad with thirst from all the salted peanuts being fed to them by the tourists.
Chapter 35 - Dirty Sanchez
Phi Phi as many of you will now was the location for the shooting of The Beach and some islands very near it were used for Scaramanga's lair in The Man with the Golden Gun. This should help paint a picture of how beautiful the scenery is although of course no location can truely be said to have arrived until is used as a location for "Dirty Sanchez - The Movie".
Fortunately for Phi Phi it can now make that claim as the Dirty Sanchez boys are in town to shoot their movied.
Indeed so impressed were they with the Bout of the Century (as the events in Chapter 32 are now being called) that Pritchard and Paynton decided to fight in the same ring for the movie. Pritchard got destroyed.
Talking of painting pictures we feel we should try and paint a picture of Sir Ranulph but it is less than easy. His hair is now getting slightly too long for respectability whilst his beard (which is russet) is now luxuriant and not far off being bushy. He has been attempting to avoid too many travellers' cliches but his willpower has now totally collapsed and he can now most often be seen in a pair of camouflage surf shorts, a Chang singlet and the Union Flag wrapped around his wrist. He also has a big black eye from the Bout and the pounds are falling off.
He'll be unrecognisable soon.
Fortunately for Phi Phi it can now make that claim as the Dirty Sanchez boys are in town to shoot their movied.
Indeed so impressed were they with the Bout of the Century (as the events in Chapter 32 are now being called) that Pritchard and Paynton decided to fight in the same ring for the movie. Pritchard got destroyed.
Talking of painting pictures we feel we should try and paint a picture of Sir Ranulph but it is less than easy. His hair is now getting slightly too long for respectability whilst his beard (which is russet) is now luxuriant and not far off being bushy. He has been attempting to avoid too many travellers' cliches but his willpower has now totally collapsed and he can now most often be seen in a pair of camouflage surf shorts, a Chang singlet and the Union Flag wrapped around his wrist. He also has a big black eye from the Bout and the pounds are falling off.
He'll be unrecognisable soon.
Chapter 34 - Lost
The inhabited part of Phi Phi is perhaps as large as 600 by 300 metres, not big nor particularly complicated (indeed the Lonely Planet describes it as being particularly easy to navigate around). Last night he left the other boys in the boozer around 0200 and when they got back at 0300 to find the door locked they assumed he had locked it from the inside and so Bucket kicked it in.
He wasn't there.
He didn't get back until 0600 having wandered like a lost sheet for 4 hours trying to find his was home. Stanley he is not.
He wasn't there.
He didn't get back until 0600 having wandered like a lost sheet for 4 hours trying to find his was home. Stanley he is not.
Chapter 33 - Baby Faced Assassin
Dustin is rather fresh of face (and his lack of beard growing ability next to the luxuriant Gimli is shocking) and so has been nicknamed the Baby Faced Assassin or Assassin for short.
In other nickname news Dan is now Bucket (pronounced with a Canadian accent) in homage to his taciturn bucket ordering style.
In other nickname news Dan is now Bucket (pronounced with a Canadian accent) in homage to his taciturn bucket ordering style.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Chapter 32 - Muay Thai
Well our brave fellows have now moved on from Koh Pha Ngan to Koh Phi Phi. A journey from the Gulf of Thailand to the Andaman Sea involving two boat trips and a mini-bus and a night in Krabi (it has to be said Krabi is a gateway to the Andaman Coast and Islands but nothing else).
Last night was their first night here and they went on the proper lash until they got to the Reggae Bar which has a Muay Thai ring and welcomes all comers. Dan decided he had to try his hand at the fighting and then Gimli decided he had to fight Dan.
They ended up being the last bout of the night and fought each other to an absolute standstill much to the crowd's delight. By the last it was clear that Sir Ranulph was the crowd's favourite and as the referee asked them who they wanted to win it was clear that only he could be crowned the champion but due to some horrific fix it was called a draw.
The best thing he has ever done he says. We fear he may be in the ring again tonight.
Last night was their first night here and they went on the proper lash until they got to the Reggae Bar which has a Muay Thai ring and welcomes all comers. Dan decided he had to try his hand at the fighting and then Gimli decided he had to fight Dan.
They ended up being the last bout of the night and fought each other to an absolute standstill much to the crowd's delight. By the last it was clear that Sir Ranulph was the crowd's favourite and as the referee asked them who they wanted to win it was clear that only he could be crowned the champion but due to some horrific fix it was called a draw.
The best thing he has ever done he says. We fear he may be in the ring again tonight.
Chapter 31 - Koh Pha Ngan - a retrospective
Fantastic island, totally chilled and well away from civilisation. To be heartily recommended. Not much more to say about it really!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Chapter 30 - Monsoon
It is the dry season. Of course that would be too simple so the heavens burst 3 days ago and it has been bucketing down ever since. It has been the proverbial cats and dogs.
Talking of which, what is worse than raining cats and dogs?...Hailing taxis. Boom Boom, take my mother in law, please, I'm here all week, try the veal. (get on with it - ed)
Several inches of rain have fallen and the sea has been a maelstrom so they have been totally cut off from the world and had to simply run from their hut to the bar and play pool and chess all day (yes chess, for the record Hoots is rubbish).
Yesterday was full moon and Koh Pha Ngan is famous for its full moon party. Basically an all night rave on the main beach (not where our brave lads are staying). Fortunately the weather broke yesterday and the sun came out so with a skip in their step the four ravers hopped onto a boat and headed to the party.
Other than a quick nap around 0400 in a banana plantation the night went tolerably uneventfully and having seen the sun up they got a boat back about 0830. They are now absolutely shattered.
This will be the last post from Koh Pha Ngan, tomorrow they head by boat and bus to Krabi and from then to Koh Phi Phi which is on the other side of Thailand in the Andaman Sea.
Talking of which, what is worse than raining cats and dogs?...Hailing taxis. Boom Boom, take my mother in law, please, I'm here all week, try the veal. (get on with it - ed)
Several inches of rain have fallen and the sea has been a maelstrom so they have been totally cut off from the world and had to simply run from their hut to the bar and play pool and chess all day (yes chess, for the record Hoots is rubbish).
Yesterday was full moon and Koh Pha Ngan is famous for its full moon party. Basically an all night rave on the main beach (not where our brave lads are staying). Fortunately the weather broke yesterday and the sun came out so with a skip in their step the four ravers hopped onto a boat and headed to the party.
Other than a quick nap around 0400 in a banana plantation the night went tolerably uneventfully and having seen the sun up they got a boat back about 0830. They are now absolutely shattered.
This will be the last post from Koh Pha Ngan, tomorrow they head by boat and bus to Krabi and from then to Koh Phi Phi which is on the other side of Thailand in the Andaman Sea.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Chapter 29 - The Tenacious D
Not much to report save that it is becoming increasingly apparent that the Ds (the Canadians) should be referred to as the D. They are clearly one composite individual.
Just as Dustin does all the talking so Dan does all the eating whilst Dustin does all the excreting.
It is very odd.
All of the boys were dolled up in their cammo surf shorts yesterday. They looked like some rather weird elite military unit, or so they thought.
They have been making concerted efforts recently to get a night off the beer. They have singularly failed to achieve that nobel aim though.
Just as Dustin does all the talking so Dan does all the eating whilst Dustin does all the excreting.
It is very odd.
All of the boys were dolled up in their cammo surf shorts yesterday. They looked like some rather weird elite military unit, or so they thought.
They have been making concerted efforts recently to get a night off the beer. They have singularly failed to achieve that nobel aim though.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Chapter 28 - Koh Samui - a retrospective
Koh Samui is a lovely tropical island. Only ruined by developers slowly turning it into Ibiza in the Gulf of Thailand.
Beaches and booze (in faux Irish bars) there are a plenty but authentic paradise island experiences are few and far between.
A decent resort but not quite what our travellers were after.
Of course their memories of it are somewhat tarnished by the loss of two pairs of sandals and Gimli's phone along with a dose of food poisoning.
Beaches and booze (in faux Irish bars) there are a plenty but authentic paradise island experiences are few and far between.
A decent resort but not quite what our travellers were after.
Of course their memories of it are somewhat tarnished by the loss of two pairs of sandals and Gimli's phone along with a dose of food poisoning.
Chapter 27 - Cinema Paradiso
Since saving the island the adventurers have been feted wherever they go so to get away from all the adulation they went to a quiet bar with a TV last night to take in some movies (actually they went to their home bar but everyone else had gone elsewhere).
The second, and last, film was the ever so cheery "Hotel Rwanda" about the genocide in Rwanda in 1994. Gimli managed to work himself into a white rage over the entire affair and threatened momentarily to a) be poor company and b) start self-medicating on the local moonshine. Fortunately after a brief word with himself he mellowed out somewhat and the night simply descended into one of increasingly poor pool.
Today the weather has been appalling and so Sir Ranulph and Hoots have been playing pool all day. Hoots has all the luck and Biscuit Boy all the skill (and there is not much of that) so they are quite evenly matched.
The second, and last, film was the ever so cheery "Hotel Rwanda" about the genocide in Rwanda in 1994. Gimli managed to work himself into a white rage over the entire affair and threatened momentarily to a) be poor company and b) start self-medicating on the local moonshine. Fortunately after a brief word with himself he mellowed out somewhat and the night simply descended into one of increasingly poor pool.
Today the weather has been appalling and so Sir Ranulph and Hoots have been playing pool all day. Hoots has all the luck and Biscuit Boy all the skill (and there is not much of that) so they are quite evenly matched.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Chapter 26 - Salvage Operations
Well gentle reader the editor forced me to make the trek over to make another post today following a very exciting morning that he felt you could not wait 24 hours to hear about.
This morning as the four of them (remember the Canadians) lazed idly on the beach fascinated by a pair of dragonflys (dragonflies? - ed) mating on the water's edge (a faintly ridiculous sight) Gimli pointed down the beach to a long-tailed boat loaded with building supplies trying to make it through the breakers and onto the beach and suggested that it "is going to take a tidy piece of seamanship to get her in safely".
Sadly the pilot failed and the boat was rapidly swamped and sank and its cargo spilt into the sea and began floating away (it was mainly lumber) forgetting all personal safety the four heros of the island (as they are now known by the locals) ran up the beach dived into the sea and began salvage operations (well once Sir Ranulph had got a short form salvage agreement signed - ever the lawyer). With the help of a few locals all the cargo was eventually recovered and, with the help of a big caterpillar digger the boat was dragged from the water and re-floated.
All in a day's work for our noble adventurers.
This morning as the four of them (remember the Canadians) lazed idly on the beach fascinated by a pair of dragonflys (dragonflies? - ed) mating on the water's edge (a faintly ridiculous sight) Gimli pointed down the beach to a long-tailed boat loaded with building supplies trying to make it through the breakers and onto the beach and suggested that it "is going to take a tidy piece of seamanship to get her in safely".
Sadly the pilot failed and the boat was rapidly swamped and sank and its cargo spilt into the sea and began floating away (it was mainly lumber) forgetting all personal safety the four heros of the island (as they are now known by the locals) ran up the beach dived into the sea and began salvage operations (well once Sir Ranulph had got a short form salvage agreement signed - ever the lawyer). With the help of a few locals all the cargo was eventually recovered and, with the help of a big caterpillar digger the boat was dragged from the water and re-floated.
All in a day's work for our noble adventurers.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Chapter 25 - I, Spodarticus (right that's it fire the sub-editor - ed)
We have discovered the cause of the i-pod fault, the battery is totally dead. At least it works if he is within an extension cable length of a power point so he is becoming tolerable again.
We have also discovered the cause of his fault on the circumnavigation, the delightful secluded restaurant (see Chapter 24) was a provender of food poisoning. He spent his last night on Koh Samui running to the bathroom every 20 minutes (having impressed Abbie, his work friend, and her friend Hannah) by throwing up on the beach almost immediately after meeting up with them.
Hoots was unimpressed slightly earlier in the piece when Sir Ranulph's introuduction went like this:-
SR "Hannah this is..."
Hoots "Yes, I know we've 'met' "
A "Didn't you tell him"
SR " Oh, sorrry I'd forgotten"
Hoots was taken aback somewhat but the look on his face was a picture.
They have now moved to an island called Koh Pha Ngan (reached by a 50 minuter boat ride from Koh Samui) and have taken up residence in Haad Yuan a cove only reached by 30 minute boat trip or 2 hour trek through jungle and over a mountain. Indeed so backward that this epistle is being lodged from the next cove over, your correspondent having hiked over a mountain to get here.
It is proper secluded and several days of chilling out is in the offing.
Or it would be if they had not hooked up with the Crazy Canadians again. As it appears they will be together for some time it may be best to add some biographical information. Dustin (oh those crazy North American names) and Dan are from Alberta, both 20. They can be told apart because Dustin talks and Dan doesn't. That's enough biography. They are known, by Sir Ranulph and Hoots, as the Ds.
We suspect more adventure and intrigue will follow, which due to the nature of comms on this island is likely to be re-told in 2 days.
We have also discovered the cause of his fault on the circumnavigation, the delightful secluded restaurant (see Chapter 24) was a provender of food poisoning. He spent his last night on Koh Samui running to the bathroom every 20 minutes (having impressed Abbie, his work friend, and her friend Hannah) by throwing up on the beach almost immediately after meeting up with them.
Hoots was unimpressed slightly earlier in the piece when Sir Ranulph's introuduction went like this:-
SR "Hannah this is..."
Hoots "Yes, I know we've 'met' "
A "Didn't you tell him"
SR " Oh, sorrry I'd forgotten"
Hoots was taken aback somewhat but the look on his face was a picture.
They have now moved to an island called Koh Pha Ngan (reached by a 50 minuter boat ride from Koh Samui) and have taken up residence in Haad Yuan a cove only reached by 30 minute boat trip or 2 hour trek through jungle and over a mountain. Indeed so backward that this epistle is being lodged from the next cove over, your correspondent having hiked over a mountain to get here.
It is proper secluded and several days of chilling out is in the offing.
Or it would be if they had not hooked up with the Crazy Canadians again. As it appears they will be together for some time it may be best to add some biographical information. Dustin (oh those crazy North American names) and Dan are from Alberta, both 20. They can be told apart because Dustin talks and Dan doesn't. That's enough biography. They are known, by Sir Ranulph and Hoots, as the Ds.
We suspect more adventure and intrigue will follow, which due to the nature of comms on this island is likely to be re-told in 2 days.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Chapter 24 - The Circumnavigation
Having done absolutely nothing for the past week our brave boys decided to explore the island some more and so rented a jeep for the day. The circumnavigation was completed but they are now both in a shocking state. Hoots due to lack of sleep and water retention - his ankles look like old ladies' ankles and Gimli through being shaken half to death in the driver's seat by the worst bone-shaker of a jeep ever to come out of a factory.
They particularly enjoyed a secluded restaurant on the south of the island which provided their first real taste of getting away from it as compared to the Thai equivalent of Ibiza.
The drive to the top of the central mountain was particularly challenging, the only gear that could take most of the slope was first. The drive down was worringly pacy.
A trip to a village called Big Budha (can anyone guess what it's famous for) and a couple of other beaches completed the day's activities.
With a bit of luck (due in part to him losing his phone) they are hooking up with one his friends from work tonight. More drinking we fear.
They particularly enjoyed a secluded restaurant on the south of the island which provided their first real taste of getting away from it as compared to the Thai equivalent of Ibiza.
The drive to the top of the central mountain was particularly challenging, the only gear that could take most of the slope was first. The drive down was worringly pacy.
A trip to a village called Big Budha (can anyone guess what it's famous for) and a couple of other beaches completed the day's activities.
With a bit of luck (due in part to him losing his phone) they are hooking up with one his friends from work tonight. More drinking we fear.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Chapter 22 - The Dragon (fails to) Roar
Well after two nights of getting blind drunk and losing everything he tried a quietish one last night, sadly not helped by having to goto the pub to watch the rugger nor by the shocking performance of the taffs, once again a Welsh revival splutters and dies.
Whilst called a quiet night it was still after 0100 before he was in bed. Hoots however was out to gone 0500.
Goodness knows what a big night would look like. They are promising to have a night off the sauce tonight. Fat chance!
Whilst called a quiet night it was still after 0100 before he was in bed. Hoots however was out to gone 0500.
Goodness knows what a big night would look like. They are promising to have a night off the sauce tonight. Fat chance!
Friday, February 03, 2006
Chapter 21 - The Lord of the Dance
Well they are now safely ensconced in tiny little beach huts on Koh Samui. Sadly that is about the only bit of safety one can report.
Two nights ago our intrepid lads found themselves in Reggae (the coolest club on the island) and before you could say "in the name of all that is good no" Gimli was up on the stage dancing like a lunatic or as Hoots put it "like a man constantly getting onto a way too fast travelator".
These exertions were only topped by some body boarding yesterday. If the dancing was poor then this was really very very poor.
Then last night he decided to try and drink a bucket (half a bottle of rum, a red bull and coke) in 10 minutes (having had 6 or 7 pints before). Silly silly boy. On the way home he lost his sandals and his phone.
Debacle.
Two nights ago our intrepid lads found themselves in Reggae (the coolest club on the island) and before you could say "in the name of all that is good no" Gimli was up on the stage dancing like a lunatic or as Hoots put it "like a man constantly getting onto a way too fast travelator".
These exertions were only topped by some body boarding yesterday. If the dancing was poor then this was really very very poor.
Then last night he decided to try and drink a bucket (half a bottle of rum, a red bull and coke) in 10 minutes (having had 6 or 7 pints before). Silly silly boy. On the way home he lost his sandals and his phone.
Debacle.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Chapter 20 - Journey South
Getting a taxi in Chiang Mai early in the morning proved too complicated for our explorers so Gimli simply flagged down a meat delivery truck and chartered it to take them to the airport.
90 minutes later they found themselves in Bangkok airport. Sadly the connecting flight was some 6 hours later so they hit the complementary stand in the airport lounge hard, very hard.
Just as the plane was called on to board a friendly froggy spilt his cup of iced tea all down Sir Ranulph. The stain started at his groin and headed down just in fact like someone who had wet himself. He was not impressed, neither were his fellow travellers.
The flight down was tolerably immemorable save for the rather surprising terminal built of wood at Koh Samui airport. Your correspondent doubts that it shares an architect with Terminal 5 at Heathrow.
In now traditional style they allowed themselves to be ripped off by a taxi driver for the trip into town who not only over-charged them but dropped them at the wrong guest house some half a mile away from the real one.
The first night in Chaweng took some very odd turns involving, in no particular order, an Irish bar (how tacky), a Thai Abba tribute band and a late supper of a skewer of chicken hearts.
Yesterday they went shopping. Now the guide books say always haggle however with typical British reserve Sir Ranulph simply could not face doing so. His first purchase were some flip-flops (the sandals have now been binned) and he duely agreed with the price first proposed. The Thai lad serving was so appalled at his lack of negotiation that he refused to accept the deal and knocked 50 Baht off the price, shameful. Since then Hoots has taken over all purchasing duties.
Today they had to move and having trekked through a monsoon they are now ensconced in a pair of huts on the beach and its still raining, just like Skegness it is.
90 minutes later they found themselves in Bangkok airport. Sadly the connecting flight was some 6 hours later so they hit the complementary stand in the airport lounge hard, very hard.
Just as the plane was called on to board a friendly froggy spilt his cup of iced tea all down Sir Ranulph. The stain started at his groin and headed down just in fact like someone who had wet himself. He was not impressed, neither were his fellow travellers.
The flight down was tolerably immemorable save for the rather surprising terminal built of wood at Koh Samui airport. Your correspondent doubts that it shares an architect with Terminal 5 at Heathrow.
In now traditional style they allowed themselves to be ripped off by a taxi driver for the trip into town who not only over-charged them but dropped them at the wrong guest house some half a mile away from the real one.
The first night in Chaweng took some very odd turns involving, in no particular order, an Irish bar (how tacky), a Thai Abba tribute band and a late supper of a skewer of chicken hearts.
Yesterday they went shopping. Now the guide books say always haggle however with typical British reserve Sir Ranulph simply could not face doing so. His first purchase were some flip-flops (the sandals have now been binned) and he duely agreed with the price first proposed. The Thai lad serving was so appalled at his lack of negotiation that he refused to accept the deal and knocked 50 Baht off the price, shameful. Since then Hoots has taken over all purchasing duties.
Today they had to move and having trekked through a monsoon they are now ensconced in a pair of huts on the beach and its still raining, just like Skegness it is.
Chapter 19 - Chiang Mai - a retrospective
Chiang Mai is the ancient Northern Capital of Thailand and was originally a large square moated and walled city. It has a number of truely fantastic wats including Wat Chiang Man which is said to be some 700 years old and is packed full of some beautiful towers and spires. It also contains what the Lonely Planet describes as two "important" Budhas, one made of jade and one of stone. They may be important but as they are about 10cm high they are seriously disappointing as an experience.
Chiang Mai is famous for its markets and in particular its night markets which are a) huge and b) sell almost anything. The main memory of them has to be the constant frog noise as Karen women walk up and down the street trying to sell you little wooden frogs that make a noise quite a lot like a frog. Of course the boys bought one for the sole purpose of using it to denote beer o'clock - once the frogs start they start.
It is also a big centre for trekking and almost all the travellers who end up there head off into the hills and mountains of northern Thailand for a few days, as already noted our heroes managed one day.
In short Chiang Mai offers everything that Bangkok offers except in a much calmer and laid back setting. It is to be recommended.
Chiang Mai is famous for its markets and in particular its night markets which are a) huge and b) sell almost anything. The main memory of them has to be the constant frog noise as Karen women walk up and down the street trying to sell you little wooden frogs that make a noise quite a lot like a frog. Of course the boys bought one for the sole purpose of using it to denote beer o'clock - once the frogs start they start.
It is also a big centre for trekking and almost all the travellers who end up there head off into the hills and mountains of northern Thailand for a few days, as already noted our heroes managed one day.
In short Chiang Mai offers everything that Bangkok offers except in a much calmer and laid back setting. It is to be recommended.
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