Chapter 105 - Memorial Day

Having regained his strength after the epic journey across the continent with half a gallon of Guiness in the company of Churchy (old University chum) and Nicole (his delightful girlfriend - much better than all the other psychos) (who are very kindly putting him up) he felt strong enough to brave the monumental trail and start on the sight-seeing trek that is the Washington Mall.

Having hooked up with Crofty (very old chum, they used to live next to each other when growing up (shome more of that to be done - ed)) and his chum John at the Lincoln Memorial
they took in the Korean,
Vietnam,
Washington

and World War II
memorials before Churchy had to retire with memorial fatigue.

In his absence they hit the Spy Museum. What a load of old tat.

Having got all cultural they then hit Georgetown for the evening. Georgetown knows its been hit by 4 Brits in their mid-30s today, oh yeah. Well actually they had to move bar because the music was just too loud. Pathetic.

Chapter 104 - Trans-Continental Express

Well 86 hours after leaving San Francisco he has arrived in Washington. What a journey. Surrounded by half literate septics who could barely scrape together a brain cell let alone the dollars needed for this trip Gimli has grimly managed to bear through it.

His reading material ran out after 62 hours so he spent a long time listening to his i-pod and creating videos of his exploits to date. We hope to be able to publish some of them soon.

Chapter 103 - San Francisco - A retrospective

A brief stop to say the least punctuated with various drinks with various Brits at various bars across the city.

A much more welcoming city than LA, far less seedy and considerably more mellow.

However whoever decided to build this city on the hilliest spot in the world is a blithering idiot.

The roads are genuinely as steep as they appear in all the movies - the poor lad is exhausted.

Chapter 102 - Canada - A retrospective

Canada proved to be a first class (and unplanned) interlude as our hero's journey begins to come to an end.

Whilst the beauty of the Rockies, and the skiing thereon, cannot be underestimated as with Australia the real quality lies in the people whom from start to finish displayed true warmth and friendliness - from Jessie the barman to Kirk and all of Sin & Buck's friends the boys met genuine kindness. However special praise must be reserved for Sin's family who looked after them like champions.

Chapter 101 - A Family Holiday

It has to be recorded that the family Barrow have welcomed the boys into their home with real love and could not have been more accomodating. In essence this last week has been like living at home again and a real recharge to the batteries.

The Oilers now stand 1-1 in their play-off series against the Red Wings with the series heading back here for the next 2 games. Things are looking good for this campaign.

They have already had to say farewell to Buck and tonight they are having their final meal with Sin and his family before heading off their separate ways - Hoots back to LA and Gimli to San Francisco immediately followed by a 4 day train journey to Washington DC to hook up with his chum Churchy.

We do not anticipate internet facilities on the train so we fear this will be our last epistle for a while. We hope to be back online late on Friday.

Chapter 100 - Shop 'til you Drop

Edmonton is famous for many things (are we shure about that? - ed) but is most famous as the home of the West Edmonton Mall, the largest mall in the world.

It is impossible to do justice to this ridicously sized monolith but in an attempt we shall list some of its features:-

An indoor amusement park featuring a huge roller coaster with 3 loop the loops



A full size skating rink
A full size model Galleot (a 3 masted sailing ship from the 1500s)



3 submarines (!)
The largest water park with slides and everything your correspondent has ever seen
Some Flamingos



Lots and lots of shops

And this is all under one roof. Madness.

In Edmonton news their NHL team qualified for the play offs this year (just) and tonight is the first game. Some serious beers are in the offing.

Chapter 99 - Damaged Goods

Our last prediction turned out to be on the money and Gay George (not actually gay) slept through his alarm call (at 0500) and had to be dragged from the room (at 0600) by the rep.

Meanwhile our hero woke up at 0745 with a raging hangover as he had to return the tank and his skis.

He was not at his most professional best therefore when the ski store wanted to sting him for $100 for the damage done to his skis which in light of the fact that they were total crap with barely an edge between them to start with was, to say the least, a rip off.

Suitably angered at being ripped off he could at least look forward to a 5 hour coach trip with a hangover. He didn't enjoy it but at least now he is back in the comforting embrace of The Barbs.

Sin's family have very kindly put the boys (back to Hoots and our hero again) up for their stay in Edmonton. How little they know.

Chapter 98 - The Best Laid Plans...

Despite the best persuasive efforts of Jessie (a barman they have acquainted - no surpise there then) to ski Jasper again the boys were determined to head off up the Icefield Parkway again.

However they felt that Lake Louise was pretty much skied out so decided on Banff instead for their last day of skiing. This was a very sensible idea as it is another 50km further.

With this knowledge in mind they decided on an early start and were on the road at 0600. Sadly the only petrol station within 150km that sells diesel doesn't open until 0700 so the first hour on the road was spent parked up.

Notwithstanding this delay they hit the slopes early enough to ski an incredible number of runs clocking up another huge day on the slopes.



Having not had their fill of big air on the slopes he managed to get their 3 tonne truck airborne on the trip back.

So in 2 days they have put 1070km on the truck and 85km on their skis, very long and very fulfilling days.

A monster night on the sauce appears on the cards.

Chapter 97 - Monster Truck

Having skied out Jasper and keen for new challenges the boys decided to rent a car and drive off to Lake Louise. Well when we say car they've actually gone for one of the biggest vehicles your correspondent has ever seen - a Dodge Ram.



Duly equipped with said tank they set off up the Icefield Parkway a 230km road through the glacier infested mountains to Lake Louise.

The journey there was enlivened by a pack of wolves in the road clearly waiting for a smaller vehicle to attack.



After yet another great day of skiing and some rejuvenative drinks they set off on the return trek. As our hero overtook a car he uttered the immortal line "I hope that isn't a police car up there".



It was. He got stopped by a mountie (going 126 in a 90 apparently). Fortunately the Bumbling British Buffon act worked and he got away with just a ticking off. The lax standards of law enforcement here are a disgrace.

Chapter 96 - White Hunter, Black Heart

They (that is Gay George (not actually gay) and he as Hoots has disappeared back to LA) have found a local video game called Big Buck Hunter Pro. They have been dropping the dollars in like crazy blowing 10 kinds of hell out of the local, animated, wildlife. Sheep (they have big horns and aren't docile like normal sheep), Moose, Elk and Bear have been bested. Horrific to report but Gimli now holds a number of the high scores on the machine.

Chapter 95 - Big Air

Our readers who have been skiing with him will know of his penchant for big air and today has been a day of hunting out the biggest air he could. It was duly found and some huge air was had and the jumps well and truely bested, wellll technically they did fight back and he totally stacked the last jump of the day (having flown a long way) and smashed his head on the ground, perhaps it will knock some sense into him.

Chapter 94 - Something Fishy

The locals appear to be rather partial to a drink called a Bloody Caesar which is basically a Bloody Mary made with something called Clamato Juice. When our hero enquired what this was the barman simply passed him a bottle. Gay George (not actually gay) joked that it was probably just tomato juice mixed with clam. Of course Gimli looked at him like he was an idiot and indeed went so far as to call him one.

Hubris dictated that when he checked the ingredients label it was of course tomato mixed with clams. Those crazy canucks.

Chapter 93 - Heavy Weather

Good Friday turned out to be Excellent Friday as it snowed day and night and dumped about a foot of snow to freshen up some rather tired pistes.



Clearly this however led to some rather poor visibility on the day but two first class days of skiing since then interspersed with two The Barbs gigs. Sadly Gay George (not actually gay) was too jet-lagged to make the first gig but came through like a trooper last night although the evening did take a somewhat surreal turn when our hero was approached as he left the hotel by two very drunk ski patrol characters who as part of some bizarre drinking game needed to collect the weirdest object they could find. Gimli fitted that bill.

Chapter 92 - The Barbs Reunion Tour

Our travellers having had their fill of LA set off to Edmonton for the Canadian leg of The Barbs World Tour.

However this has been disrupted by Gimli's inability to read a calendar and thus his invitation to Gay George (not actually gay) to come over to go skiing in Jasper which was intended to be for next week was in fact for this week. Fortunately The Barbs have been able to re-schedule some of their dates for Jasper.

The trip to Canada can best be categorised as Aucklandesque thanks to some shoddy weather over San Francisco (where they had to change planes) leading to significant delays.

However The Barbs eventually met up again at the airport just after midnight. Buck has acquired some rather fetching earrings but other than that no change.

For our hero Edmonton has so far has consisted of 2 beers, 3 hours sleep and then jumping on a coach to Jasper to meet up with Gay George (not actually gay) whilst the others follow on the tour tomorrow.

Chapter 91 - LA - A retrospective

LA is not at all what was expected, far less glitz and indeed actually quite seedy. Perhaps the most unanticipated aspect of it all is that it is actually an Hispanic city with a majority of Spanish speakers and most signs either in Spanish or bi-lingual. Upon reflection perhaps this should not have been a surprise but nonetheless it was.

What was not surprising was the traditional high level of crackpots and nutters on the streets although this was somewhat levened by some genuinely friendly passers by, not something to be expected when this charabanc hits the East coast.

Chapter 90 - LA Confidential

Journalistic integrity requires us to report that the boys are seeing rather too much of the inside of the LA toilets than is good for them indeed this has been the one constant since Chapter 85.

Despite this today they have explored downtown LA, now we would like to report on the gang violence and drive by shootings they barely survived but a) his mother is reading this and her heart couldn't take it (although her newly fixed ankle (passim) probably could) and b) there was none.

Chapter 89 - The Longest Day

Well we (foolishly - ed) published our Fiji retrospective before they had left Fiji assuming (foolishly - ed) - yes all right I get the point thanks - that nothing much could happen to them.

However they dumbfounded us by deciding to head into Nadi town centre to try and get a bit more of a flavour of Fiji.

Their hearts were somewhat downcast when their taxi driver informed them it was a public holiday and all the shops would be shut but spirits soared when, straight out of the taxi, a local invited them to join him and some chums for some Kava ... in their shop.

After several bowlfuls the locals adjudged their wits to be sufficiently addled and the sales pitch began. They are now the proud owners of two big clubs known as neck-breakers.

With them suitably wrapped up they headed off to leave Fiji which they could do but the day just would not let them go as they crossed the international date line at exactly midnight and setting the clock running again (and incidentally marking the half way point).

Now in LA they have walked both sides of the Walk of Fame from end to end and whilst ambling aimlessly seen their first famous person - Penn from Penn and Teller - although to be honest we suspect that our brave boys are now more famous thanks to the work of your humble corresponent.



Eventually after 43 hours 10 April 2006 has come to an end. Thank God.

Chapter 88 - Fiji - A retrospective

A wonderfully beautiful tropical paradise. Far too chilled for its own good but a real dose of R&R from the frantic dash up the East coast of Australia.

Deserted tropical islands, a huge selection of beaches and fantastically friendly locals. All in all a great destination.

Chapter 87 - Hail to the Chief

After a bit of a health-scare - clear fluid started running out of his nose, the initial fear that it was cerebro-spinal fluid were quickly assuaged when it was realised it was salty, clearly seawater had been forced deep into his sinuses whilst jumping into the sea - they moved on to the final destination and were welcomed most generously by the natives.

They insisted on the boys joining in their traditional dances and were so impressed with Gimli's performance appear to have appointed them their chief. How they will react when he tries to sail off tomorrow we can only guess.

Chapter 86 - And the Band Played On

In the early afternoon our vessel moved on to the next island in the group and Gimli set off to explore this by swimming to it (well after yet another dash to the heads).

Having established that this island appeared to be uninhabited an evening of relaxation has been planned and a band was quickly been established for this purpose with Gimli on the tea-chest cello, Hoots on the guitar and Hedy (Dutch girl) on the ukulele (are we sure about this spelling? - ed). A most entertainign evening was had by all.



We have now completed our exploration of this second group abnd move on shortly to the third and last group.

Chapter 85 - The Local Brew

Upon their return from their kayak reconnaissance they reported that the natives seemed wary but not necessarily dangerous.

Their analysis was put to the test during the night when a native canoe appeared out of the darkness and two locals boarded but was proved correct.

The natives had brought with them a local root called "Kava" which after much mashing and boiling produced a liquor vaguely reminiscent of river mud but this did not put Gimli off who gladly gulped down 2 huge bowlfuls.

Your correspondent also tried some and we can report that it has anaesthetic properties - in that it puts your tongue to sleep - and in light of the strange antics of the native guides after several bowls it also has significant narcotic effects.

In the long term it would also appear to have less satisfactory effects - the heads are doing a roaring trade this morning.

Chapter 84 - No Man is an Island

Having completed the exploration of the most northerly group of islands the boys have made their way to the next group south. By all accounts the natives here are most unfriendly and so they have decided to stay on the ship for the next two days whilst exploring by daylight alone.

We are shortly to drop anchor and the boys plan to kayak to the nearest island and take stock of the natives.

Chapter 83 - Captain Caveman

With Hoots nowhere to be seen Gimli set off with a few of the crew and a native guide to continue the mapping of this island group.

On one of the adjacent islands to the main island of this group they located a cave system and went spelunking. As half the caves could only be reached through underwater passages this was particularly challenging, particularly after he had to hand over his mask and snorkle to one of the girls who had forgotten her's.



Much rejoicing was had upon their return to the main island when it was discovered that Hoots had merely been sleeping off a hangover elsewhere.

Chapter 82 - The Natives are Restless

It has become apparent that the initial assessment that the natives are a friendly lot may have been an error.

Late last night we discovered that the alcohol in our camp had been stolen by a tribe lying just to the north of Sunrise (their location is codenamed Sea Sprite).

The natives closest to Sunrise appear to be hostile to this other lot and remain on good terms with our explorers and after leading them in a war dance and showing them how to use the local spears a counter-raid was mounted and supplies of alcohol recovered.

Unfortunately as this is composed the morning after Hoots is nowhere to be seen, we fear he has been wounded or worse in the raid.

Chapter 81 - The Unacceptable Face of Bad Boy British Tourism

After 3 tedious days of city living (thanks for nothing Auckland) the boys were chomping at the bit to engage in further exploration and cartography of far flung parts of the Empire.

Before such chomping could be sated a quick flight north was needed. Sadly Gimli boarded with quite a thirst on him and ended up summoning the crew every 5 minutes for more booze, 5 bottles of red in total.

Suffice to record that by the time base camp (code name Aquarius) was established and he'd had a couple of Fijian beers he was pretty insensate and certainly the delicate task of mounting a hammock a very distant dream.

After a fitful night's sleep he awoke this morning with his first hangover since leaving Britannia's bosom.

Fortunately he would not allow this to delay the endeavour ahead and so the exploration of the islands to the north-west of the main island began shortly after dawn.



He has led us all the way to the furthest island and set up a second base camp (code name Sunrise) the plan apparently is to sped 2 days here exploring this island group before heading back through the other island groups before ending back at Aquarius.



For the record the place is beautiful, an almost deserted tropical paradise, fortunately the natives appear friendly and ahve agreed to supply some alcohol tonight in exchange for one of Hoots' rings. At present Gimli is slumped in a hammock enjoying the sunset.

Chapter 80 - New Zealand - A Retrospective

Dull, Dull, Dull.

Chapter 79 - Australia - A retrospective

For our hero the journey up the East Coast has been a true journey of self-discovery and he and Hoots have made some great new friends.

It must be recorded that his pre-travelling prejudices would have prevented him giving the time of day to at least two of them and it is to be hoped that he will learn this lesson (and apply it) when he gets home (but we doubt it).

The tale of Oz cannot be summed up by the places they have been or the things they have done but by the entourage they have acquired:-

Gordon, the jolly glaswegian boozer
Pablo, a man not designed by God to leave West London but a true trier
Curly, a determined pursuer of lost causes
Sundance, a pill popping muscle bound freak
The Doctor, a man of astonishing willpower to resist the ladies (we just hope his girlfriend is worth it)
Lockerz, a true alpha female, always good for a laugh (except when Hoots makes her cry)
Beth, the yellow trousered girl from Bangkok who captured Hoots' heard (he has written a song about her!)
Lids, the cutest traveller in the Southern Hemisphere (except when she is being the grumpiest)

Collectively a great team, they are missing them already.

In possession news Hoots left his wallet in the taxi to the airport.

Chapter 78 - Nature's Fury

During their last push they have travelled through the heart of the destruction rendered by Cyclone Larry and in particular the town of Innisfall where it made landfall. The current trend in the town is for blue tarpaulin roofs and for horizontal trees.

Thunder's family lives in the town and have lost everything - their roof is in the next door neighbour's garden - and to see the devastation at first hand was quite a sobering moment.

Obviously having been sobered up they had to get truely rat-arsed for their final night. Task completed.

Chapter 77 - Lawn Bowls

Yes, gentle reader, your eyes do not decieve you their latest foray into Australian life was a visit to the Sarina Bowls Club.

After a couple of rejuvanative beers our hero and Tamara (passim) took on Sundance, Curly and the Doctor (new chap on the scene).



With his "delicate" touch they were always in trouble and despite Tamara's best efforts they were thrashed soundly.

Chapter 76 - One Last Push

Well this is nearly it, one last push up the coast to Cairns, a final farewell meal and then a flight to Auckland and no more entourage.

In possession news he has snapped his glasses again.

Chapter 75 - Animal Crackers

A further hop north has brought our brave boys to Magnetic Island (via a ferry from Townsville) and yet more glorious tropical beaches.



But before the R&R could beguin a Koala hunt had to be organised up into the wild untamed hills. Only a few of the entourage could muster the courage for the dangerous journey but enough brave souls could be rounded up to make the trip viable.

A quick bus ride and hike up some stairs to a former World War II emplacement and the deadly beast was located casually chewing on some eucalyptus whilst no doubt contemplating its vile plans for the destruction of the world.

Our hero quickly got into position for a clean shot and dealt with the dastardly beast before it could pounce.



The next day he set off in just a kayak to chart the coast of the island. Sadly due to a groin injury (passim) he had to turn back before the task was half completed.

He has had to satisfy his exploring desire therefore by bombing round the island in a little pink car (chosen by the posh girls), its just not the same.

Chapter 74 - A Perfect Storm

After some more pottering around the islands all sails were raised and an easterly course plotted back to the mainland.

As they crossed the Whitsunday passage the winds picked up to near gale force and the rains began to fall (well more horizontal than vertical).

Fortunately Sir Ranulph was able to don his waterproof jacked (the only one aboard with one) and despite the treacherous seas and some precarious heeling over helped guide them safely to port.

Chapter 73 - Old Man of the Sea

A moment of despondency hit our hero having returned to the Kiana after he failed to be eaten by sharks as he discovered he is older than the skipper and therefore the oldest person aboard.