Chapter 12 - Lord of Ants

Anyone with any knowledge of your two brave fellows will not be surprised to learn that they have had their first run in with the police. The only surprise is that a) it took so long and b) the officers just stopped the coach they were on from Bangkok to Chiang Mai for speeding.

Chiang Mai is proving to be fertile ground indeed for your correspondent.

Things began to get a little weird yesterday afternoon when the explorers noticed that there was a long column of ants travelling to and from the pool of condensation at the bass of Hoots' glass (and drinking when they got there). Following some examination the nest was located in the table top. At this stage Hoots decided he must be the water bringer and therefore some kind of deity to these poor little bugs. Sir Ranulph was all for frying them up for a feast - he appears to have got the taste for eating insects.

Hoots felt it a sensible idea to take the table apart to locate the spit and sawdust effigy that they must have constructed of him to worship at.

Then last night after a leisurely meal on the riverbank they got rather lost on the stroll back to Chiang Mai proper and ended up in a real local part of town - the sort of place that has not seen a Farang in a hundred years. Hoots spotted across the street a "bar" that was in truth no more than two ancient Banyang trees leaning together and, as they entered, a huge early '90s kaoroke (shurely thish ish not shpelt right - ed?) machine and a look of awe on the very young local faces that two stupid Farangs had just walked in.

A certain level of uncomfortableness was quickly established when the very young waitress (certainly a teenager) brought their beers over and then sat down on the end of the table to help them pour their beers. As the adventurers joshed away she literally just sat there and re-plenished their glasses.

Things then took a turn for the really weird when another patron of the bar wandered over to join the explorers. She spoke a little (a very little) English and you may assume, gentle reader, that the boys have learnt nothing of the native tongue. However the international language of amore was sufficent for her to communicate her desire that Hoots sing a song on the kaoroke (if shomeone knowsh how to spell thish please add a comment - ed) machine. Now Hoots frankly sings like a petrol driven chainsaw being taken to a cow so this would have been a bad idea but as the songs were all in Thai this was never going to fly.

So instead their new companion serenaded them and your correspondent started to look for the nearest exit not staffed by young Thai thugs.

Having sung them a sweet (possibly) song they exchanged names. Hers was KWANZ. As Sir Ranulph observed "that sounds like a rock station from the deep south". She then insisted on exchanging phone numbers, sadly Sir Ranulph did not have the "flirt divert" number on him so just gave her Nigel's instead. Watch out Nigel you will have a visitor from the East very soon.

That was all last night and your correspondent hoped to be able to cut short this piece of reportage at this point. Sadly this post has followed lunch at the local Bavarian bar (oh obviously travel to Thailand to eat Bavarian food) and a run in with the local german pervert (we'll call him Gunther).

Gunther and Hoots kicked it off from the start and there isn't a hugely seedy bar, club or brothel in this part of the world that this chap did not know about. His regaling of the fun to be had with under-age girls was particularly unpleasant (and again had your correspondent looking for the exits). This would have been bad enough until Gunther remembered that he had been made redundant by an Englishman 7 years ago and launched into a general tirade of abuse at how the working man is oppressed. The irony of his oppression of local women seemed totally lost on the freak. Anyway one quick retreat later and he has been left to his own devices (and eighth beer of the day at 1500).

Tomorrow our heros go elephant riding and whitewater rafting so your correspondent will probably not have time for a post but then they head to Koh Samui the day after. Of course they are planning to trek there and establish a new route through the bush equipped only with 2 machetes, 10 native bearers and an elephant (shurely fly first class? - ed).