Chapter 61 - Piss up in a Brewery

They boys now have quite the entourage - Gordon,
Pablo, Curly Bob, Silent Ben,
The Great Dane and Umberto
(yes the nick-name fairy has been out to play - none of these names are real) and the general feeling around the campfire on Sunday was that a night off the booze was in order.

Most of the boys managed it (obviously not our hero) but they woke on Monday so racked with guilt at having not been to a pub the day before they could only do penance by going to a brewery and so they duly hit the Castlemaine Perkins brewery.



As they entered the cathedral like bottling house a reverential silence descended on them only broken by our hero "so much beer, so little time".



By the end of the tour their thirsts were a raging and it was clear they could only be slaked with a lake of beer and so it began...

Chapter 60 - The Drugs don't Work

With a cheery wave they said goodbye to Byron, set their compasses to North and set off to Brisbane.

On they way they called in at Nimbin, Australia's capital of "alternative lifestyle" having inhaled rather too much of this "alternative lifestyle" our hero was rendered incoherent by 1030 AM, shameful.




Heading further north they wasted some time in Surfer's Paradise before clambering into a big inflatable ball and being thrown down a hill. Remarkably it appears to have re-connected him with reality.

Chapter 59 - Thunderstruck

Having completed the first 3 day leg of their jourent of exploration northwards they decided to stop in Byron Bay for 3 nights.



The first night was spent at Cheeky Monkeys with the sole aim of getting Thunder drunk as a lord. Mission accomplised as he has not been since since.

This Cheeky Monkeys place is a "party pub" which essentially means that they hand out prizes for completing barely pre-pubescent tasks and challenges. Of course our hero, being far and away the oldest person in there (possibly ever) threw himself into this nonsense with a rare gusto.

One task involved delivering a girl's bra to the MC. He cooly turned to the girl next to him (18 year old public school girl (Uppingham)) held out his had and demanded "Lydia, bra, please". She duly complied and he won and in truely chivalric fashion gave her the prize (a day trip to Nimbin).



However that was not the end of his chivalric activities for the night as the MC locked the poor girl's bra in the DJ booth much to her dismay. Fortunately Hoots and our hero deployed cunning and guile to launch a devastating commando raid on the booth to rescue said item and earn the maiden's eternal gratitude.



On the second night they managed to locate a Ruby Murray (very average) before returning to Cheeky Monkeys for a wet T-shirt competion. We despair.

Chapter 58 - Point Break

Having shot the rapids of doom they decided to move on and turn their hand to surfing.

Those of you familiar with our hero's sense of balance, or lack thereof, will probably be able to guess the rest of this chapter.

Suffice to say despite being issued with a board only slightly smaller than HMS Ark Royal he failed to impress. He did manage to stand up, once, but then had to feign a serious elbow injury to avoid further embarassment.

Chapter 57 - Darkness descends

As many of our readers will know white water rafting is not totally risk free. It becomes about as safe as playing tig with a tiger if done in the dark. When done in the dark by someone having to choose between blindness or pitch blackness (behind his shades) it becomes about as safe as Russian Roulette, with a semi-automatic.

Of course that didn't stop him and so last night he went and shot the rapids in the pitch black. Fortunately he was too drunk to be scared.

Chapter 56 - Magenta da Vine

It has been far too long since he suffered a possession debacle so to keep our readers entertained he snapped his glasses in half yesterday, very generous of him.

As a result the only way he can see is by wearing his sun-glasses, all the time.



He has to explain the reason for this to everyone he meets in case they thing he is an unremitting burk. Sadly he fails to realise that it is not the wearing of shades that marks him out as an unremitting burk.

In other possession news he has finally accepted the inevitable and shipped some of the more ridiculous items he brought with him, viz. a pair of woolen trousers, a long woolen scarf and 30 pairs of socks. Not the most useful backpacking kit.

Chapter 55 - Into the Wild

Having had their fill of civilisation the boys have got back together and headed off on an epic journey of discovery up the East Coast to Cairns.



The first leg has taken them up into the hills of Barrington and they are spending the night in a gold rush era (converted) brothel.



Their driver up here is called, we kid you not, Thunder!



They appear to have stumbled into a celebrity look-a-like convention. There is a Jaques Villeneuve as well as a Jade Goody.
This seems appropriate as your correspondent is told that our hero now looks like Kevin Smith (aka Silent Bob) a Hollywood writer and sometime actor.
Sadly we cannot confirm this as we have no idea who they are talking about although we can confirm that Hoots (in his new fetching straw stetson) looks like Jake Gylgenhall (are we sure about this spelling? - ed) in Brokeback Mountain.

Chapter 54 - Two become one

After 2 days of R&R in Manly Hoots was sufficiently recovered to return to backpacking life and shot off to The Jolly Swagman hostel in the oh so salubrious King's Cross area of Sydney.

Meanwhile our hero has remained in Manly.

A couple of days ago he met up with a very old (and ex-girl) friend of his called Sam who has emigrated here and it turns out lives about 50 yards away from Boris. A few beers were shared over the usual reminiscences.

Then on Friday night Boris and he chartered a motor boat, less a gin palace more a lager hut, as Boris had organised a swim for the Saturday and they needed a support boat. After a few beers in the city they settled down for the night on the boat moored in the middle of the harbour.




This swim was from the Harbour Bridge to Manly (11km) against the tide.

Fortunately the swim was not to be done all in one but rather by a relay team of four. With a heinously early start (0630) to make the safety briefing and pick up the rest of the team (and following a quiet night in the alcohol stakes (ergo insomnia)) our hero was less than well rested for the start of the race.

Fortunately Boris was swimming the first leg. This would have been less hairy had the QEII not come into harbour at that moment and gone straight through the course.



Unfortunately on the eighth leg (they were swimming 20 minute legs each) Ed was attacked by jellyfish and had to be dragged from the water. Gimli was first to offer to piss on the weals (a proven curative) but Ed politely and inexplicably declined.

A quick check of the surrounding waters revealed they were in the midst of a enourmous swarm of the bastards (known as Blue Bottles) and so the decision was taken to keep the swimmers out of the water and motor to the other side of the swarm. This turned out to be 300 metres from the finishing post.

The boys jumped back in the water and completed the course together. As they made their way up the beach they were mobbed as heroes by the organisers and forced to give a number of interviews to the local press.



After about 5 minutes however guilt overcame them and they 'fessed up to the organisers.

However once it had become clear that everyone (bar one very brave girl who was named the winner having swum the entire way on her own) had chickened out at some stage some shrewd arguments were deployed (along with the 7' tall Jake) to persuade the officials that they should not be disqualified. Eventually after consultation they agreed that as they had been out of the water for the shortest possible time to avoid injury they were placed second and awared silver medals, electric toothbrushes and a sponsors' bag. (Journalistic intergrity prevents us mentioning that the sponsor was Men's Health magazine)

After these triumphs Gimli went out with Boris and chums in Manly and about halfway through the night all the girls in the group came and apologised to him. Now this caused no end of consternation as it is of course normally him doing the apologising but it transpired that they thought he was another of Boris's friends from home and therefore a love rat rather than the charming loveable rogue that he in fact is. Of course percerptive fellow that he is he had not noticed they were being all aloof to him and didn't know what they were apologising for.

Of course through some very careful use of words (without ever lying) he was able to give the impression to the local girls that he had actually been part of the swim team that came second rather than just drinking G&Ts on the support boat...

Chapter 53 - Surf's up

They got through immigration without too much fuss (despite a sideways glance at his beard) but quarantine was somewhat less straightforward as they had to declare their wooden sticks. The quarantine officer was bemusde by his stick "hmm, just a plain stick with an O on it, what's this all about" but she seemed to get the message when presented with Hoots' stick "At least this one has got some 'decoration' on it" before bidding them farewell with a twinkle in her eye "good lads for declaring it"

They are now safely ensconced in Manly staying with Boris (one of his mates from University) and enjoying the sea and sun and just chilling for a couple of days.

Chapter 52 - Where did you get that Hat?

Bangkok airport is where. He is now sporting, at a suitably jaunty angle, a wide brimmed straw hat.

To paint the full picture may turn the stomach of our gentler readers who may wish to skip on a chapter as journalistic obligation forces us to record the ragtag appearance of this once finely dressed young man.

Starting from the bottom:-

Heavily soiled Jesus Creepers
His green "My Little Unicorn" trousers, rolled up to the knee
A blue, purple and white check shirt (usually worn to work on a Friday), heavily soiled with flourescent paint
The Colours wrapped around his wrist
A red beard
The hat

Heavens what a combo.

In other news, they made it to Oz (despite some sideways glances at his clean-shaven passport photo), his i-pod is fixed and he has a new phone which is about as much use as a chocolate tea-pot. If you know his email address please email him your phone numbers.

Chapter 51 - The Bangkok Hilston

Having returned to Bangkok the lads met up with some more Canadians (is that country empty?) who had been on Koh Pha Ngan and spent the last two days on the sauce with them (with a totally innocent trip to Patpong thrown in for Gimli (yeah right they're going to believe that - ed)).

Of course Thailand could not let them go without one final drama and that would come at immigration. At the counter his usual breezy "Good Afternoon" (with the plum quotient turned up to the max) was met with an even stonier silence than normal. The surly official spent several minutes agonising over his passport before calling in his superiors and he had to head off to be quizzed by a couple of chaps with far too much gold braid for his liking.

Of course he maintained a cool British exterior (whilst shitting himself inside) and following some frenzied discussions between the gold braid merchants it became apparent that they were unhappy with the water damage to his passport (in particular the Thai visa) which had occured on the boat trip to Koh Pha Ngan. Although for the record it appeared that it was water damage per se that was the issue not its timing.

After a brief discussion, during which the prospect of a trip to jail faded with sufficient alacrity for comfort, he persuaded them to let him through having completed a fresh departure card.

We fear he will be PNG'd from Thailand for many a year to come.

Chapter 50 - The Long and Windy Road

Hoots had been tasked with arranging the transport to Bangkok so it was with no small amount of trepidation that they set off on their epic trip north. After an inauspicious start (ramshakle mini-bus to the bus station) it transpired that the lad had acquited himself well with a large air-conditioned bus with few well spaced deep reclining seats.

Sadly his good work was undone when they arrived at the wrong part of Bangkok and they had to get a taxi at 0600 to the right place. That trip was enlivened only by Hoots' realisation half-way into it that he had left his note-book (containing the novel he is writing) on the bus.

That being said for a 15 hour bus trip it was bearable.

Chapter 49 - Phuket - a retrospective

Short and sweet to say the least. It is very heavily developed and is certainly the most holiday orientated of all of their destinations in the South. Very few young 'uns and the two of them appeared to be the only two long term travellers in town.

Nevertheless a gratuitous party town has its place in the pantheon of experiences and Pattong provided that in abundance.

It is also the sleaziest and seediest of their destinations to date with a very high number of Ting Tongs and Go-Go bars.

On the Ting Tong front Pattong has its own breed of real sad losers. Most of the blokes drive their Ting Tongs round on the back of a moped/scooter. This lot can't even learn how to drive and have to be driven around by their Ting Tongs.

Chapter 48 - Phuket let's go to Phuket (I thought we had fired this idiot? - ed)

With a spare day to kill before heading to Bangkok our heroes hopped on a boat to Phuket. Whilst on the boat he managed to burn his forearms and his forehead. They go very nicely with his burnt shoulders. Here's a tip for you all, when backpacking do not (and we really mean this) repeat do not burn your shoulders in the sun.

Once on Phuket they headed to Pattong, a real heavy party beach with possibly the highest concentration of bars anywhere in the world (many of them of the go-go variety) so of course they went out and got obliterated (including a rather surreal experience playing the best pool of their lives in a Go-Go bar/pole dancing establishment) but surprising to report he managed to keep hold of all of his possessions. On the possession front he appears to have lost his belt, well is was last seen in Chiang Mai anyway.

They have a 15 hour overnight bus journey to look forward to now, what joy. In preparation he has steeled himself by buying a Daily Telegraph.

Chapter 47 - Koh Phi Phi - a retrospective

Probably the most beautiful scenery of the trip so far with huge towering cliffs and thickly forrested very steep hills.

The main island (Koh Phi Phi Don) is almost two islands merely connected by a 200 metre wide strip of very low land (basically it would be all beach if it were not for the development). The main resort lies on this strip and was battered by the Tsunami particularly badly as the waves came from both directions and met in the middle however you if you did not know this you would hardly be able to tell so swiftly has the re-building taken place. Probably the main clue is the very high number of amputees on the island.

The main resort is quite bustling but with a rather ramshackle air about it. The focal point of most nights on the island appears to be the Muay Thai ring (particularly since The Bout) until about 0100 when everyone decamps to the beach (well apart from him, he was usually asleep by then).

After the calm and peace of Koh Pha Ngan it felt rather bustling but objectively it is probably quite quiet and chilled. Certainly the various coves around the island are even more laid back than the place they stayed at on Koh Pha Ngan.

Chapter 46 - Radio Silence

We apologise for the breakdown in comms over the last few days due to "technical difficulties". Normal service is now resumed - see below starting at Chapter 33.

Chapter 45 - Koh Pha Ngan - a more considered retrospective

We aplogise for the brevity of the initial retrospective, brevity only matched by the night's sleep had by your correspondent immediately before filing it which goes to explain a lot.

Apart from the main town of Hat Rin the island is largely undisturbed with just a few huts at each of the coves around the island accessible either by foot or boat (or a combination of both).

These huts power comes from Jennys only which at the place they stayed were turned off between 0200 and 0700 and usually failed several times a day, particularly in bad weather.

Their stay was marked by a bout of poor weather which perversely improved their time there as all the guests had to hang out in the bar area, playing pool and just chilling.

The full moon party was a remarkable experience a great night (during which he had the Welsh Flag painted on his forehead in flourescent paint) following by watching the sun rise with 5,000 other revellers.




So far this island is the highlight of the trip.

Chapter 44 - The Long March

Today the boys decided to properly explore the island - on foot.

They set off to the highest point (186 metres) before shooting down into a valley then back over a ridge and down to a bay on the other side of the island.

A quick beer later and they did the trip in reverse. In total a vertical distance of some 800 metres in only 2 horizontal miles and an average gradient of 1 in 4. A certain amount of scrabbling up (and down) near vertical slopes was involved.

It is also fair to record that he had a bit of a bead on by the end - so much so that the colours in his Chang vest have run.

Chapter 43 - Muay Thai - Part 2

After going to see the Muay Thai for the last few nights it has become apparent why Buck and Gimli were the beneficiaries of quite so much adulation from the crowd after the Bout and why they keep getting stopped in the street to have their hands shaken. They are the only westerners to have actually gone for it in ages - all the others prance around like poseurs and think they're chocolate.

Meanwhile Oddjob (the local lad who gets the westerners in the ring) is despairing and spends every night trying to get them back in the ring for another proper fight to entertain the crowds.

Chapter 42 - Shelob's Lair

Hoots has been telling Gimli of a spider lurking in their bathroom of tremendous size and speed but frankly he hasn't really believed him until this morning when he padded into the bathroom for the usual ablutions.

As the fug of sleep slowly lifted he realised that he was confronted by a giant spider. Her body was at least 2 inches across and the legs 4 inches each.

Before the beast could strike Gimli grabbed Sting (well the hose) and bravely (are we sure about this? - ed) washed the foul beast down the drain after an epic duel in which she scuttled hither and thither.

Brave Boy.

Chapter 41 - Knight in Shining Armour

After a heavy night of hard rocking drinking for their last night Buck stole a police bicycle to get home. Silly sod rather spoilt the effect by jumping off and doing a runner when he actually spotted a copper.

Meanwhile Raging Dick Dangerous was up all night playing the bongos on the beach. On the walk home he spotted a pretty girl in distress and went to her aid to discover that her friend was running a very high fever. Quick as a flash he got them to the local hospital and earned their eternal gratitude.

Saving boats one day, damsels in distress the next, very rock and roll.

Chapter 40 - Deep Blue

The boys have taken to playing chess.

It is fair to say that it was like lambs to the slaughter to begin with as Hoots was smashed off the table whilst Sir Ranulph took to amusing himself by only using some of his pieces.

However Hoots has been learning swiftly and thanks to an almighty gaff by Gimli (he inadvertently threw his queen away) he has now won a game. Biscuit Boy is hopping mad.

Chapter 39 - Man Flu

Would you believe it, he has managed to catch a cold in the tropics, it'll be sniffling and snuffling all the way from here.

Chapter 38 - The Barbs Roll

Clearly any band called The Black Rhubarb is just going to be contracted to become The Barbs and so to save time the boys have renamed themselves.

Last night they went out for their last night together (the Canadians are heading to Cambodia) in character and following 2 buckets each they partied the night out as The Barbs.

My how the locals were impressed by the rock gods amongst them. Bogun fell in with a crowd of hard rocking Norwegians and was persuaded to try chewing tobacco for the first and he hopes the last time.

They plan to cite "creative difficulties" to explain the Canadian's departure (and to get out of their booking for tonight)

Chapter 37 - The Black Rhubarb

Last night the boys sat down to ruminate on a future together as a four piece rock back called The Black Rhubarb.

Clearly Sir Ranulph as the podgy weird looking one would play drums under the name Bogun. His affectation would be a Union Flag bandana and constant chewing of a cocktail stick.

Bucket as the taciturn brooding member of the gr0up would have to play bass (as Buck) whilst Hoots (under the name Raging Dick Dangerous) would do the 6 string axe work.

Meanwhile Assassin would have to take vocals (we can't shut him up anyway) under the name Sin.

They should be a big hit.

Chapter 36 - Still Fat

Yesterday was a day of exploration as the adventurers sett off by boat to explore the Phi Phi islands (there are 2 plus some smaller out-lyers).

Quick visits to the various locations of The Beach coupled with a load of snorkelling and a failed attempt to swim with sharks marked out the morning.

Lunch was enlivened by the skipper mocking Sir Ranulph's gut, reports of it rapidly diminishing may be premature.

The afternoon was spent swimming to Bamboo Island (with the tide) which was very good, a sleep on the beach and then swimming back (against the tide) which was less amusing.

The day was topped off with a trip to Monkey Beach where one of the people on the boat was attacked by a mob of monkeys, no doubt driven mad with thirst from all the salted peanuts being fed to them by the tourists.

Chapter 35 - Dirty Sanchez

Phi Phi as many of you will now was the location for the shooting of The Beach and some islands very near it were used for Scaramanga's lair in The Man with the Golden Gun. This should help paint a picture of how beautiful the scenery is although of course no location can truely be said to have arrived until is used as a location for "Dirty Sanchez - The Movie".

Fortunately for Phi Phi it can now make that claim as the Dirty Sanchez boys are in town to shoot their movied.

Indeed so impressed were they with the Bout of the Century (as the events in Chapter 32 are now being called) that Pritchard and Paynton decided to fight in the same ring for the movie. Pritchard got destroyed.

Talking of painting pictures we feel we should try and paint a picture of Sir Ranulph but it is less than easy. His hair is now getting slightly too long for respectability whilst his beard (which is russet) is now luxuriant and not far off being bushy. He has been attempting to avoid too many travellers' cliches but his willpower has now totally collapsed and he can now most often be seen in a pair of camouflage surf shorts, a Chang singlet and the Union Flag wrapped around his wrist. He also has a big black eye from the Bout and the pounds are falling off.

He'll be unrecognisable soon.

Chapter 34 - Lost

The inhabited part of Phi Phi is perhaps as large as 600 by 300 metres, not big nor particularly complicated (indeed the Lonely Planet describes it as being particularly easy to navigate around). Last night he left the other boys in the boozer around 0200 and when they got back at 0300 to find the door locked they assumed he had locked it from the inside and so Bucket kicked it in.

He wasn't there.

He didn't get back until 0600 having wandered like a lost sheet for 4 hours trying to find his was home. Stanley he is not.

Chapter 33 - Baby Faced Assassin

Dustin is rather fresh of face (and his lack of beard growing ability next to the luxuriant Gimli is shocking) and so has been nicknamed the Baby Faced Assassin or Assassin for short.

In other nickname news Dan is now Bucket (pronounced with a Canadian accent) in homage to his taciturn bucket ordering style.

Chapter 32 - Muay Thai

Well our brave fellows have now moved on from Koh Pha Ngan to Koh Phi Phi. A journey from the Gulf of Thailand to the Andaman Sea involving two boat trips and a mini-bus and a night in Krabi (it has to be said Krabi is a gateway to the Andaman Coast and Islands but nothing else).



Last night was their first night here and they went on the proper lash until they got to the Reggae Bar which has a Muay Thai ring and welcomes all comers. Dan decided he had to try his hand at the fighting and then Gimli decided he had to fight Dan.

They ended up being the last bout of the night and fought each other to an absolute standstill much to the crowd's delight. By the last it was clear that Sir Ranulph was the crowd's favourite and as the referee asked them who they wanted to win it was clear that only he could be crowned the champion but due to some horrific fix it was called a draw.



The best thing he has ever done he says. We fear he may be in the ring again tonight.

Chapter 31 - Koh Pha Ngan - a retrospective

Fantastic island, totally chilled and well away from civilisation. To be heartily recommended. Not much more to say about it really!

Chapter 30 - Monsoon

It is the dry season. Of course that would be too simple so the heavens burst 3 days ago and it has been bucketing down ever since. It has been the proverbial cats and dogs.

Talking of which, what is worse than raining cats and dogs?...Hailing taxis. Boom Boom, take my mother in law, please, I'm here all week, try the veal. (get on with it - ed)

Several inches of rain have fallen and the sea has been a maelstrom so they have been totally cut off from the world and had to simply run from their hut to the bar and play pool and chess all day (yes chess, for the record Hoots is rubbish).

Yesterday was full moon and Koh Pha Ngan is famous for its full moon party. Basically an all night rave on the main beach (not where our brave lads are staying). Fortunately the weather broke yesterday and the sun came out so with a skip in their step the four ravers hopped onto a boat and headed to the party.

Other than a quick nap around 0400 in a banana plantation the night went tolerably uneventfully and having seen the sun up they got a boat back about 0830. They are now absolutely shattered.





This will be the last post from Koh Pha Ngan, tomorrow they head by boat and bus to Krabi and from then to Koh Phi Phi which is on the other side of Thailand in the Andaman Sea.

Chapter 29 - The Tenacious D

Not much to report save that it is becoming increasingly apparent that the Ds (the Canadians) should be referred to as the D. They are clearly one composite individual.

Just as Dustin does all the talking so Dan does all the eating whilst Dustin does all the excreting.

It is very odd.

All of the boys were dolled up in their cammo surf shorts yesterday. They looked like some rather weird elite military unit, or so they thought.

They have been making concerted efforts recently to get a night off the beer. They have singularly failed to achieve that nobel aim though.

Chapter 28 - Koh Samui - a retrospective

Koh Samui is a lovely tropical island. Only ruined by developers slowly turning it into Ibiza in the Gulf of Thailand.

Beaches and booze (in faux Irish bars) there are a plenty but authentic paradise island experiences are few and far between.

A decent resort but not quite what our travellers were after.

Of course their memories of it are somewhat tarnished by the loss of two pairs of sandals and Gimli's phone along with a dose of food poisoning.

Chapter 27 - Cinema Paradiso

Since saving the island the adventurers have been feted wherever they go so to get away from all the adulation they went to a quiet bar with a TV last night to take in some movies (actually they went to their home bar but everyone else had gone elsewhere).

The second, and last, film was the ever so cheery "Hotel Rwanda" about the genocide in Rwanda in 1994. Gimli managed to work himself into a white rage over the entire affair and threatened momentarily to a) be poor company and b) start self-medicating on the local moonshine. Fortunately after a brief word with himself he mellowed out somewhat and the night simply descended into one of increasingly poor pool.

Today the weather has been appalling and so Sir Ranulph and Hoots have been playing pool all day. Hoots has all the luck and Biscuit Boy all the skill (and there is not much of that) so they are quite evenly matched.

Chapter 26 - Salvage Operations

Well gentle reader the editor forced me to make the trek over to make another post today following a very exciting morning that he felt you could not wait 24 hours to hear about.

This morning as the four of them (remember the Canadians) lazed idly on the beach fascinated by a pair of dragonflys (dragonflies? - ed) mating on the water's edge (a faintly ridiculous sight) Gimli pointed down the beach to a long-tailed boat loaded with building supplies trying to make it through the breakers and onto the beach and suggested that it "is going to take a tidy piece of seamanship to get her in safely".

Sadly the pilot failed and the boat was rapidly swamped and sank and its cargo spilt into the sea and began floating away (it was mainly lumber) forgetting all personal safety the four heros of the island (as they are now known by the locals) ran up the beach dived into the sea and began salvage operations (well once Sir Ranulph had got a short form salvage agreement signed - ever the lawyer). With the help of a few locals all the cargo was eventually recovered and, with the help of a big caterpillar digger the boat was dragged from the water and re-floated.

All in a day's work for our noble adventurers.

Chapter 25 - I, Spodarticus (right that's it fire the sub-editor - ed)

We have discovered the cause of the i-pod fault, the battery is totally dead. At least it works if he is within an extension cable length of a power point so he is becoming tolerable again.

We have also discovered the cause of his fault on the circumnavigation, the delightful secluded restaurant (see Chapter 24) was a provender of food poisoning. He spent his last night on Koh Samui running to the bathroom every 20 minutes (having impressed Abbie, his work friend, and her friend Hannah) by throwing up on the beach almost immediately after meeting up with them.

Hoots was unimpressed slightly earlier in the piece when Sir Ranulph's introuduction went like this:-

SR "Hannah this is..."
Hoots "Yes, I know we've 'met' "
A "Didn't you tell him"
SR " Oh, sorrry I'd forgotten"

Hoots was taken aback somewhat but the look on his face was a picture.

They have now moved to an island called Koh Pha Ngan (reached by a 50 minuter boat ride from Koh Samui) and have taken up residence in Haad Yuan a cove only reached by 30 minute boat trip or 2 hour trek through jungle and over a mountain. Indeed so backward that this epistle is being lodged from the next cove over, your correspondent having hiked over a mountain to get here.



It is proper secluded and several days of chilling out is in the offing.

Or it would be if they had not hooked up with the Crazy Canadians again. As it appears they will be together for some time it may be best to add some biographical information. Dustin (oh those crazy North American names) and Dan are from Alberta, both 20. They can be told apart because Dustin talks and Dan doesn't. That's enough biography. They are known, by Sir Ranulph and Hoots, as the Ds.



We suspect more adventure and intrigue will follow, which due to the nature of comms on this island is likely to be re-told in 2 days.

Chapter 24 - The Circumnavigation

Having done absolutely nothing for the past week our brave boys decided to explore the island some more and so rented a jeep for the day. The circumnavigation was completed but they are now both in a shocking state. Hoots due to lack of sleep and water retention - his ankles look like old ladies' ankles and Gimli through being shaken half to death in the driver's seat by the worst bone-shaker of a jeep ever to come out of a factory.

They particularly enjoyed a secluded restaurant on the south of the island which provided their first real taste of getting away from it as compared to the Thai equivalent of Ibiza.



The drive to the top of the central mountain was particularly challenging, the only gear that could take most of the slope was first. The drive down was worringly pacy.

A trip to a village called Big Budha (can anyone guess what it's famous for) and a couple of other beaches completed the day's activities.

With a bit of luck (due in part to him losing his phone) they are hooking up with one his friends from work tonight. More drinking we fear.

Chapter 23 - Scorpion King

Chapter 22 - The Dragon (fails to) Roar

Well after two nights of getting blind drunk and losing everything he tried a quietish one last night, sadly not helped by having to goto the pub to watch the rugger nor by the shocking performance of the taffs, once again a Welsh revival splutters and dies.

Whilst called a quiet night it was still after 0100 before he was in bed. Hoots however was out to gone 0500.

Goodness knows what a big night would look like. They are promising to have a night off the sauce tonight. Fat chance!

Chapter 21 - The Lord of the Dance

Well they are now safely ensconced in tiny little beach huts on Koh Samui. Sadly that is about the only bit of safety one can report.

Two nights ago our intrepid lads found themselves in Reggae (the coolest club on the island) and before you could say "in the name of all that is good no" Gimli was up on the stage dancing like a lunatic or as Hoots put it "like a man constantly getting onto a way too fast travelator".

These exertions were only topped by some body boarding yesterday. If the dancing was poor then this was really very very poor.

Then last night he decided to try and drink a bucket (half a bottle of rum, a red bull and coke) in 10 minutes (having had 6 or 7 pints before). Silly silly boy. On the way home he lost his sandals and his phone.

Debacle.

Chapter 20 - Journey South

Getting a taxi in Chiang Mai early in the morning proved too complicated for our explorers so Gimli simply flagged down a meat delivery truck and chartered it to take them to the airport.

90 minutes later they found themselves in Bangkok airport. Sadly the connecting flight was some 6 hours later so they hit the complementary stand in the airport lounge hard, very hard.

Just as the plane was called on to board a friendly froggy spilt his cup of iced tea all down Sir Ranulph. The stain started at his groin and headed down just in fact like someone who had wet himself. He was not impressed, neither were his fellow travellers.

The flight down was tolerably immemorable save for the rather surprising terminal built of wood at Koh Samui airport. Your correspondent doubts that it shares an architect with Terminal 5 at Heathrow.

In now traditional style they allowed themselves to be ripped off by a taxi driver for the trip into town who not only over-charged them but dropped them at the wrong guest house some half a mile away from the real one.

The first night in Chaweng took some very odd turns involving, in no particular order, an Irish bar (how tacky), a Thai Abba tribute band and a late supper of a skewer of chicken hearts.

Yesterday they went shopping. Now the guide books say always haggle however with typical British reserve Sir Ranulph simply could not face doing so. His first purchase were some flip-flops (the sandals have now been binned) and he duely agreed with the price first proposed. The Thai lad serving was so appalled at his lack of negotiation that he refused to accept the deal and knocked 50 Baht off the price, shameful. Since then Hoots has taken over all purchasing duties.

Today they had to move and having trekked through a monsoon they are now ensconced in a pair of huts on the beach and its still raining, just like Skegness it is.

Chapter 19 - Chiang Mai - a retrospective

Chiang Mai is the ancient Northern Capital of Thailand and was originally a large square moated and walled city. It has a number of truely fantastic wats including Wat Chiang Man which is said to be some 700 years old and is packed full of some beautiful towers and spires. It also contains what the Lonely Planet describes as two "important" Budhas, one made of jade and one of stone. They may be important but as they are about 10cm high they are seriously disappointing as an experience.

Chiang Mai is famous for its markets and in particular its night markets which are a) huge and b) sell almost anything. The main memory of them has to be the constant frog noise as Karen women walk up and down the street trying to sell you little wooden frogs that make a noise quite a lot like a frog. Of course the boys bought one for the sole purpose of using it to denote beer o'clock - once the frogs start they start.

It is also a big centre for trekking and almost all the travellers who end up there head off into the hills and mountains of northern Thailand for a few days, as already noted our heroes managed one day.

In short Chiang Mai offers everything that Bangkok offers except in a much calmer and laid back setting. It is to be recommended.

Chapter 18 - Tick Box Tourism

Yesterday our brave wanderers set off on a "trek" to a) hike through the jungle, b) ride an elephant, c) visit a hill tribe village and d) go white water rafting. All the tourist boxes ticked in one day.

With the sun on their faces and courage in their hearts they lofted machetes and headed into the virgin rainforest like latter day Dr Livingstones. The entire trekking group consisted of a Thai little old lady guide, 4 colonials (2 septics and 2 aussies) our heros and another son of fair Albion.

Of course with exploring to be done the 3 Brits quickly went into proper British Imperial mode and with a pot of pink paint and brushes led the march into the wild unknown.

At this stage readers of Chapter 16 may have an inkling of the travails facing Biscuit Boy.

Having literally hiked for several minutes up hill and down dale Sir Ranuph had a proper bead on and the cry went up of "nurse, the screens".

Fortunately after a few more minutes they located the waterfall the track led to (hang on what's this about a track - ed).



The trekkers paddled into (in Hoots' case slipped and fell into) a pool halfway down the mighty cataract to cool off before heading off deeper into the woods, well higher actually, about 300 steps higher and by this stage he was leaking at an alarming rate. Fortunately at the top of the staircase was a truck to take them on.

After a quick rejuvanative luncheon, including their first taste of Tamarind - looks like a dog turd tastes like a sweet date - they headed off to tame some wild elephants and go for a trek on them.

Having located some friendly mahmoots and their domesticated beasts they headed off however not before one the the graceful beasts had let out the loudest and longest of farts reducing our travellers to Beavis and Butthead giggling for about 15 minutes not helped by Hoots' observation that they are "just big cows with dicks on their faces". You can't buy class.

After a trek into the jungle and across a river and through a Lisu village (hill tribe). They clambered off. They are not the most comfortable of rides, rather too much rocking and rolling for some tastes.



Next box to tick was white water rafting and so back onto the truck they headed to be transferred to the top of some mighty rapids. Of course when they got there there were no rafts in sight so after a wait of about 2 hours whilst a raft was found (and a guide roused from a rum induced coma) the sun was setting before they finally set out to tame the upper reaches of the Mekong.

The three Brits clambered into the newly christened HMS Tamarind and off they went.

Having somehow survived the first set of mighty rapids and as they gently cruised down the river to the next set through a deep valley Hoots observed that it was like something out of the Lord of the Rings. If by that he meant that our hero with his face moss looks just like Gimli our correspondent would have to agree.



Despite the mashing maelstroms that were the rest of the rapids they shot they survived unscathed and headed back to town for some serious and well deserved Changs.

Boxes ticked.

Chapter 17 - Imp Theory

Our adventurers appear to have discovered a bizarre cloning experiment in Chiang Mai. It would appear that all the local serving girls (behind the bars and doling out the massages) are all exactly the same.

They are universally 5 feet tall, long dark hair in a pony tail, cute in a non-sexual way (this must be so, even Hoots was not attracted) and they speak in a strange chiruppy way most unlike the other Thais.

You don't see them on the streets just working serving the Changs and they could not be spotted in Bangkok.

Their weird speech is particularly off-putting when they are chatting away to each other whilst giving you a Thai massage and occasionally giggling. Having an imp massage your inner thigh whilst laughing is not an enjoyable experience.

Hoots plans to start importing them to the UK, he is going to call it IMPorting (geddit?).

Chapter 16 - Public Service Announcement

We have been asked to make the following announcement.

When heading off on a trek, into say virgin Thai rainforest, the most important thing to get right is of course one's footwear. For example a pair of old Jesus Creepers that fall apart as soon as you get off the road leaving you barefoot in the jungle is not a great plan.

Chapter 14 - Marco Polo

Well last night he tried on his new fake persona for size and when asked by a Canadian lad what he did replied that he works as a Polo Umpire. Dear lord what a load of all tosh he then had to make up to keep up the pretence.

Don't try this at home folks.

Chapter 15 - T Time

Following our last missive the brave adventurers headed off on a saunter around town ending up being dragged into a local bar to play pool. Clearly the locals recognise champion cue merchants when they see one.

Rather oddly the table was a full size snooker table which is a less than ideal forum for playing pool. Nevertheless Biscuit Boy proceeded to trounce Hoots several times before a wizened old local man decided to step in and spare him from more embarassment. He imparted Hoots with the Wisdom of the Pool Ancients who proceeded to win the last frame just in time for the exhausted travellers to take in a well deserved Thai massage.

It has to be recorded that a traditional Thai massage is no walk in the park as Sir Ranulph put it "that was like lying offside in a ruck when playing HMP Leyhill". Hoots merely observed how disappointed he was that they had chosen a respectable establishment that didn't offer a "Happy Finish".

To assuage his disappointment they hit the night market (Chiang Mai is famous for them) and set about purchasing tasteless tat for their loved ones (shurely delightful presents that will be treasured for years to come? - ed) before hitting the Changs (the local brew) in O'Malleys (yes the ubiquitous Irish pub can be found in Thailand). Having fought off the unwelcome attentions of a pair of Titanic Teutons they enjoyed an evening of self-indulgent guitar solos from Took (the Thai guitar hero) before taking a Tuk Tuk home. Top that.

Chapter 13 - I Pod therefore I am (who writes this rubbish? - ed)

His i-pod is broken, it works occasionally but always seems to go wrong just as he is about to start a trip, like for example now to Koh Samui.

Let's hope he can get it fixed soon or he is going to be even grimmer company than usual.

Chapter 12 - Lord of Ants

Anyone with any knowledge of your two brave fellows will not be surprised to learn that they have had their first run in with the police. The only surprise is that a) it took so long and b) the officers just stopped the coach they were on from Bangkok to Chiang Mai for speeding.

Chiang Mai is proving to be fertile ground indeed for your correspondent.

Things began to get a little weird yesterday afternoon when the explorers noticed that there was a long column of ants travelling to and from the pool of condensation at the bass of Hoots' glass (and drinking when they got there). Following some examination the nest was located in the table top. At this stage Hoots decided he must be the water bringer and therefore some kind of deity to these poor little bugs. Sir Ranulph was all for frying them up for a feast - he appears to have got the taste for eating insects.

Hoots felt it a sensible idea to take the table apart to locate the spit and sawdust effigy that they must have constructed of him to worship at.

Then last night after a leisurely meal on the riverbank they got rather lost on the stroll back to Chiang Mai proper and ended up in a real local part of town - the sort of place that has not seen a Farang in a hundred years. Hoots spotted across the street a "bar" that was in truth no more than two ancient Banyang trees leaning together and, as they entered, a huge early '90s kaoroke (shurely thish ish not shpelt right - ed?) machine and a look of awe on the very young local faces that two stupid Farangs had just walked in.

A certain level of uncomfortableness was quickly established when the very young waitress (certainly a teenager) brought their beers over and then sat down on the end of the table to help them pour their beers. As the adventurers joshed away she literally just sat there and re-plenished their glasses.

Things then took a turn for the really weird when another patron of the bar wandered over to join the explorers. She spoke a little (a very little) English and you may assume, gentle reader, that the boys have learnt nothing of the native tongue. However the international language of amore was sufficent for her to communicate her desire that Hoots sing a song on the kaoroke (if shomeone knowsh how to spell thish please add a comment - ed) machine. Now Hoots frankly sings like a petrol driven chainsaw being taken to a cow so this would have been a bad idea but as the songs were all in Thai this was never going to fly.

So instead their new companion serenaded them and your correspondent started to look for the nearest exit not staffed by young Thai thugs.

Having sung them a sweet (possibly) song they exchanged names. Hers was KWANZ. As Sir Ranulph observed "that sounds like a rock station from the deep south". She then insisted on exchanging phone numbers, sadly Sir Ranulph did not have the "flirt divert" number on him so just gave her Nigel's instead. Watch out Nigel you will have a visitor from the East very soon.

That was all last night and your correspondent hoped to be able to cut short this piece of reportage at this point. Sadly this post has followed lunch at the local Bavarian bar (oh obviously travel to Thailand to eat Bavarian food) and a run in with the local german pervert (we'll call him Gunther).

Gunther and Hoots kicked it off from the start and there isn't a hugely seedy bar, club or brothel in this part of the world that this chap did not know about. His regaling of the fun to be had with under-age girls was particularly unpleasant (and again had your correspondent looking for the exits). This would have been bad enough until Gunther remembered that he had been made redundant by an Englishman 7 years ago and launched into a general tirade of abuse at how the working man is oppressed. The irony of his oppression of local women seemed totally lost on the freak. Anyway one quick retreat later and he has been left to his own devices (and eighth beer of the day at 1500).

Tomorrow our heros go elephant riding and whitewater rafting so your correspondent will probably not have time for a post but then they head to Koh Samui the day after. Of course they are planning to trek there and establish a new route through the bush equipped only with 2 machetes, 10 native bearers and an elephant (shurely fly first class? - ed).

Chapter 11 - It's grim oop North

Well the adventurers made it to Chiang Mai here in the North of Thailand. As one would expect they all talk with odd accents and the stray dogs all look like whippets. Your correspondent is sure he spotted a ferret earlier.

They have checked into the Rose Guest House. To single out the lack of vigour of the showers (there are faster glaciers) would be to miss out on the opportunity of commenting on the lack of forgiveness in the solid wood mattresses, and its none of your soft pine either this is proper hard wood.

Chapter 10 - Mother gets Plastered

Yes we know we reported this back in the Prelude but to update you all she has now really been plastered - her ankle was broken not sprained - and will be so for 4 weeks. Oh dear.

Chapter 9 - Bangkok - a retrospective

Apparently your correspondent isn't allowed a day off and according to his editor needs to write some form of travelogue and he is feeling most put upon (just get on with it - ed).

Bangkok has proved to be a very interesting place. It is a lot bigger than anticipated and a lot cleaner. The streets are full of hustle and bustle and street vendors abound everywhere. There is very little hassle from them and the only people who really bug you are the Tuk Tuk drivers (3 wheeled taxis) who just want to take you to some scam rather than where you actually want to go which is quite frustrating.

There are literally hundreds of Wats around here which are all rather classical Buddhist Temples with spires and fantastical statues and carvings and some quite brillant coloured mosaic decoration. We have been staying round the back of a Wat and it lends a really calming air to the place. There are monks (in orange) and nuns (in white) wandering around all the time.

Every building has to have its own little spirit house which looks like a mini-temple but is actually designed to be a home for the bad spirits that would occupy the building itself otherwise. To make sure that the spirits prefer the spirit house it needs to be more attractive to the spirits than the building which is achieved by candles and burning incense and food offerings. They are really ornate and quite fascinating.

The locals are amazingly friendly and very patient which as our pair of explorers know no Thai at all is a real help.

The visitors are a suprising mix. There are a huge number of couples which was not expected at all and very few solo travellers, almost everyone is travelling with someone. The exception to this however are the seedy sex tourists and the clients of the "Ting Tong Industry" who are generally travelling alone and are a universally seedy bunch.

There is one chap in particular wearing a wife beater all the time with particularly lank hair who has got child sex pervert written all over him (not literally that would be silly). In light of his seediness levels he has been nick-named "The Seed Merchant". The real tragic losers are however the ones with there Ting Tongs or out here to get one. It is perhaps tolerable for fat old men looking for companionship but there are quite a few youngish men out here as well (certainly some are less than 30) and it causes one to pause and think about the sadness of their lives. Not for long mind just until the next sip of beer.

Talking of beer there are two local brews Chang and Singha. Chang is strong as hell and Singha is nearly as bad. Staying sober is proving to be a challenge too far for our heros so far - last night after a few they tucked into some squid skewers covered in chilli sauce from a street vendor, having eaten them there was quite a lot of sauce left in the bag so after a quick game of papers, scissors, stone which Sir Ranulph lost he had to neck it, not a nice experience he tells us.

Revenge was had later when Hoots had to neck the next bag having lost at spoof. This may well be a recurring feature. According to the editor that is enough travelogue for now, great some time off before Chiang Mai tomorrow.

Chapter 8 - Dumb and Dumber

Well they finally met someone to talk to last night. Some lad called Ashley on his way home to Oz from Blighty. Why was he heading home they asked?

"Well I turned up in England 2 weeks ago planning to get a job as a plumber and it was freezing. I didn't have any warm clothes or money to buy them so I had to come home. Am going to work at home and save some money for some warm clothes before heading back."

"Surely," the Quasi-Queer Lawyer (showing off his rapier like cross-examination skills), "you'll need to save for another ticket as well, would it not have been simpler to get a days work as a plumber in England and buy clothes there"

"Hadn't thought of that"

Genius.

Our postbag has asked for an update on Jasper (the Dane from Singapore). Well all your correspondent can report is that he was last seen being dragged from a fight by Hoots before being put to bed in time to catch his flight to Oz were he was going to become a professional Aussie rules footballer.

Chapter 7 - Muay Thai et al

Well last night your correspondent enjoyed his first evening of Muay Thai (Thai Boxing) at the Lumphini stadium - said by afficionados to be the premier location for good solid biffo.

Our explorers also came along, rather tragically both in white tops hoping to get splattered with blood. Your correspondent of course merely took along his note book to report events faithfully.

It has to be said that whilst the atmosphere was amazing - as the fighters fought a Thai band played eerily soothing music in the background whilst the Thais cheered every knee hit with a loud "Knee" (probably not but that is what it sounded like) and the bookies in the pits seemed to be running several books at once so there was a real cacophany in the stadium - the biffo was a bit disappointing. It may well have been the fights but an awful lot of the time they seemed just to be grappling whilst occasionally lifting a knee into their opponent's ribs.

There was some good fighting in there but it fell somewhat short of expectations which when it cost 2,000 Baht to get in (which is an awful lot here - more then Sir Ranuplh has spent in the last 3 days) was a shame. However they did hand out free key rings so that is all right then.

The particular highlights were, in no particular order, a knockout knee blow to the Solar Plexus, the penultimate fight between two 100lb fighters (i.e. tiny - the pair together weighed less than Biscuit Boy) and the wrong turn made as we went to leave the stadium taking us through the changing area, with the usual smell of sweat and embrocation, and out through the players' entrance.

In other news our gastronauts continued their epicurean adventures by sharing a plateful of chitterlings. Left Hoots feeling distinctly unwell but our hero enjoyed them immensely.

Having changed guest house a day ago (for fact fans - from the Top Guest House on the Khao San Road to the New Siam Guest House just off it) our hero has had the first opportunity to use his travel towel purchased specially at Heathrow. Travel it may be, towel it ain't. It is closer to a Chamois. Mind he is looking particularly shiny and polished today.

Bangkok has thrown up some very weird sights so far but the weirdest was yesterday when a dog moon-walked down the road. Clearly Michael Jackson still has some fans.

Our brave adventurers are moving on tomorrow to Chiang Mai. As the intrepid fellows they are they are of course really going edgy on the mode of transport - a great big air-conditioned bus. Oh the adventure of it all.

Our post bag has been literally empty with requests for a description of the taste of scorpion and clamourings for photos of the big event. We can report the taste to be like a beef pork scratching. As to the photos sadly due to technical difficulties they cannot yet be uploaded. We hope to rectify that very soon.

Next installment probably from Chiang Mai.

Chapter 6 - The Stickleback Tour

Well today has been spent wandering around various Wats (temples) which of course has meant long trousers and for normal people a T-Shirt. Sir Ranulph of course insisted on wearing a heavy-weight rugby shirt.

Now if there is one thing that his physique is not designed for it is walking around in heavy clothing in 35 degree heat with near 100% humidity. He has lost half his body weight in sweat. A nice smell it is not.

Chapter 5 - The Bugs bite Back

Well mosquitos to be precise. He's covered in the blighters. 10 at the last count. HO HO HO.

Chapter 4 - A Bug's Life

Our two adventurers headed out last night to explore the best of the Khao San Road Night Life. The beer was strong (6.4%) and came in bloody big bottles and they soon got absolutely smashed.

Their drunkeness imbued them with a rather foolish epicurean courage and having tasted a variety of kebabs from various mobile BBQ vans their dreams (shurely nightmares? - ed) came true when into view hoved a mobile bug stand serving a variety of maggots, grubs, crickets, grasshoppers, beetles and scorpions. The boys feasted on the bugs. Their efforts at eating scorpions in particular drew many admiring glances (shurely looks of horror? - ed). Pictures should be with us soon.

A quiet one for tonight we are promised. We shall see.

Chapter 3 - Jimmy Saville

Not much to report save a journey to Bangkok. Amusingly just as lunch was being served on the plane it hit a huge patch of wicked turbulence. Older readers will recall a Jim'll Fix It in which Jim fixed it for a troupe of fat scouts to ride a roller-coaster whilst eating their lunch. It was much like that with tea and chocolate mousse flying everywhere. It seems unlikely he will ever get the mousse out of his beard!

After that excitment the jet lag set in and the pair of them were passed out sparko in the guest house by 1600 and slept through the night, very rock and roll.

Hopefully more exciting news to report sometime soon.

Chapter 2 - The World of the Weird

The day started poorly for our intrepid explorers - when Hoots woke up he foolishly reacted to the cheery "Good Morning" from the next door bunk by leaning over the partition to say hi. He was of course confronted by the sight of Jasper (the Great Dane) lying full length arms behind his head in the all together. An eyeful of cock is never a great way to start a day (better than a mouthful - ed).

As a day it was marred by a hangover on Hoots' part which lasted until about 2200, very poor form.

However they did manage to achieve the one thing they came to Singapore to do - enjoy a Singapore Sling at the Longbar of Raffles so not totally wasted.



And at that point one would like to draw a line under the day but sadly one can't ignore the descent into a weird alternative universe around 2230.

As our brave explorers enjoyed a Tiger beer at the bar of the Hostel they were chatting to Jasper (ibid) and a couple of Bogtrotters (Irish) when a local girl approached them with a microphone claiming to be a local radio DJ after material (the lies girls will tell to talk to The Bogun!).

She apparently presents the 1400 to 1600 show on the local dance station and wanted to get some interviews with travellers to liven up her show. She certainly got liveliness but whether she got useful material is an entirely different question.

She kicked off with an interview with Jasper who, classy fellow that he is, when asked what his most memorable moment of his travels to date was replied "emptying my balls this morning". I fear even the most aggresive editing will not leave anything useful from that interview.

Our brave explorer (or Sir Ranulph as everyone is starting to know him as) was wearing the most shocking floral shirt which caught the attention of the radio girl (Greta) who kicked off her interview with him with "so now I'm sitting next to a bloke in a floral shirt who must be a poet or an artist or something, what is it you do?"

Clearly a great reader of humanity.

After a very surreal interview, to be broadcast on Singaporean radio sometime soon she joined the adventurers for a drink. What a mistake to make.

After establishing her celebrity status (not front page of the Straits Times but good enough for a generic celebrity reality show - although in light of Paris Travelodge in the CBB house back home that may not mean much) the questioning moved on to her knowledge of blighty. She claimed to have been but thought London was a bit "edgy". When asked what she meant by this she explained that when she had been there last summer she had gone to a club and the singer of the live band had stuck the microphone stand up his arse. Hoots claimed to know the club.

After that she just asked The Bogun to hit her (something he normally needs to pay for at specialist clubs) before being pressurised into 'fessing up that she was a lesbian. Or as Hoots put it "F*** me, you're a rug muncher!?"

And amazingly on that note she left saying a cheery farewell as she left and singling out our hero with "bye then quasi-queer lawyer". He appeared to prefer "Biscuit Boy"!

Oh and it wasn't Chinese New Year, that comes later, apologies. Next stop Thailand.

Chapter 1 - The Bogun has Landed

Well by some unholy miracle the fool made it to the airport, via the medium of insuring himself on his mother's car then driving her home and then getting his sister to take him to the Airport.

His first night in Singapore was marked by a copious amount of Tiger beer. Indeed the receptionist at the Hostel remarked on the speed with which he and Hoots ordered their first beer - most of which had disappeared before the keys had arrived.

He then turned into a performing seal towards the end of the night catching biscuits in his mouth as they were thrown at him. You can't buy class. He is now known around the Hostel as "Biscuit Boy".

Chinese New Year tonight, who can predict what that holds.

The Prelude - The Finale

Well what can one say. Last night was the idiot's leaving do. One can tell he is a total drunk by the fact that the bar (who's profits are now going to free-fall) had a leaving present for him (a hip flask appropriately). Some of his more deluded work colleagues had had a whip round and had a few presents for him. I can see how the Alka Seltzer and Ibruprofen may come in handy but the condoms? How can they possibly think this fool can pull?

By all accounts it was a good night however whilst walking home his mother fell over on the "slippy cobbles" (yeah right I'm sure the 4 bottles of wine and the flaming sambucas didn't contribute) and sprained her ankle. She can't drive (or basically walk) today so goodness knows how he is going to get to Heathrow.

Fingers crossed he gets there and the next update comes from Singapore.

The Prelude Part 4

Well it continues. This morning he decided to go to Birmingham to get his Thai visa. Of course it would have been too simple to check what time the Consulate was open and so he just decided to go by the first cheap train (i.e. after 0930). Imagine his surprise and dismay when Hoots rang him to tell him the Consulate closed at 1130 and the conductor told him that was the ETA of the train to Birmingham New Street.

He got into New Street at 1128 and proceeded to get lost in the station before eventually, having obtained directions from the stupidest man in the world (an information clerk in the Pallisades shopping centre who did not know which was the New Street exit) making it to the Consulate just after 1130.

By some miracle, that he so little deserves, the very kind Consul agreed to issue his Visa anyway and he now has his.

Flukey sod.

The Prelude Part 3

Oh it gets better. Now his boiler has blown up and he's taken his kitchen to pieces. The childlike idiocy of it all is what I despair at most.

Anyway he has asked me to publish the present flight details for anyone who actually cares (basically his mother) so here goes.

London Heathrow to Singapore 18 January, Singapore Air 2215, SQ 321 (if he makes it)
Singapore to Bangkok 21 January, Singapore Air 1305, SQ 64
Bangkok to Singapore 27 February, Singapore Air 1610, SQ 67
Singapore to Sydney 27 February, Singapore Air 2040, SQ 221
Cairns to Auckland 31 March, Air New Zealand 1115, NZ 172
Auckland to Nadi (Fiji) 3 April, Air New Zealand 1825, NZ 20
Nadi to Los Angeles 10 April, Air New Zealand 2320, NZ 20
New York JFK to London Heathrow, Virgin 1950, VS46

Well that makes a fascinating read I'm sure.

The Prelude Part 2

Good news, I bumped into my old chum "The Mystery Reporter" and as he is much funnier than me I asked him to come with us to write this masterpiece and he agreed. So there are now 3 of us going. The more astute of readers may notice that you never see The Mystery Reporter and me at the same time however. Right over to him.

Well, now that the blathering idiot (shurely intrepid explorer - ed?) has stopped prattling on, time for some decent reportage of his preparations for the adventure of a lifetime.

There is no doubt that this has to be the most disorganised and poorly prepared trip this writer has ever had the misfortune to be associated with. Frankly if it wasn't for his mother agreeing to drive him to Heathrow I doubt he'd make it as far as there. For those of you who might doubt this criticism let's examine a few basic facts:-

Ideal things not to do before going round the world for 4 months no. 1.

Buy a derelict flat and try and do it up in time to let it out before you go away.

Guess who's done this? Yes the blathering idiot. So far he has electrocuted himself (twice), nearly broken a finger (unfortunately (shurely fortunately - ed?) he broke the power drill instead) and had to call out tradesman as if they were going out of fashion. Genius. Oh and it still isn't finished. I'm guessing funds are going to be tight on this shindig.

Ideal things not to do before going round the world for 4 months no. 2.

Forget to check your tickets.

Guess when he checked? Yes yesterday and did he do so off his own bat? No Hoots had to suggest it and could he find half the tickets? The more astute amongst you will be amazed to learn that Hoots is going to take charge of the tickets from here on in so at least there is a chance of some foreign travel to be reported on.

With 15 days to go your correspondent feels certain he will add to the list so stay tuned.

In amongst all this incompetence you may take it as read that he has not sorted out his jabs, malaria tablets or visas. Your correspondent is not optimistic he ever will.